Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Neighborhood Game: Passively aggressively cut your lawn two inches shorter than your neighbors until you reach dirt.

   If my house could talk it would assume I own stock in Ramen Noodles.

   My drunk Uncle Jerry was runner up for Trump's new campaign manager.

   “Lunch is on me!” -Guy who just threw up on himself

   It’s not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can’t see my naked body.

   Probably the coolest thing about this new Steven Seagal blow up doll is the ego inside inflates itself.

   Spilled syrup on my Polo this morning. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today.

   Running late today cuz there was a rare Pokemon 17 miles south of where I needed to be.

   Ryan Lochte now claims Colin Powell suggested he lie about being robbed at gunpoint.

   The only positive to attending a school recital is being able to fall asleep knowing your partner can't yell at you....

   Ironically, this is probably the first time Melania has seen him nude.

   SPORTS FACT: The Olympics takes place every four years because it lasts four years.

   Female mannequins create unrealistic portrayals of women....mostly because the mannequins don't talk.

   Uber has announced that their first self-driving cars will hit the streets within weeks. Nice of them to give us a running start.

   I don't blame the US Olympic swimmers. Every time I vandalize a gas station bathroom, I always use the "I was robbed by a Brazilian" excuse.

   Breaking news!!!! US Airforce seen dropping naked Trump statues onto an ISIS Stronghold In Northern Syria!!!!!

   My girlfriend asked me to make her feel special, so I bought her a coloring book and crayons .

   Its funny how no one is bringing up the fat lazy Americans...probably because we are stomping the world at the Olympics AGAIN.....

   Pro tip: No matter how many times your baby asks, don't give them Indian food...

   I credit my dad for my sense of humor..... Oh,. She's funny, too?.......... Ummm,,No......