Funny Status Messages

   If I die by gunshot, at my funeral I want at least three midgets re-enacting the 'bullet scene' from The Matrix.

   Apartment websites should at least have basic info like price, size, and if the upstairs neighbors sound like horses playing musical chairs.

   I can't imagine anyone let alone the B-52's walked outta the Love Shack STD free.

   Ryan Lochte joins latest "Dancing with the Stars" cast, claims Tom Bergeron robbed him at gunpoint.

   Ryan Lochte will be teaching swimming lessons at the community pool starting next week.

   In Yugoslavia. In Yugoslavia, you never starve.. Great stones song man ...

   Q: Is there intelligent life form on planet Earth? A: Only in a few areas.

   It was a toss up tonight between turning on the nightly news or migrating to Singapore to get an Organ illegally harvested.

   I wonder, when the citizens of Russia are filling out their Census form, do they put under Occupation “Chechnya”?

   Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.

   Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.

   Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this wayPro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job

   I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.

   [high school] Teacher: do you have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

   I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."

   My life is like a sitcom, but without the witty one-liners, quirky friends, hilarious situations or laugh track.