Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drugs are bad but if there were ever a reason for cocaine, it would be having kids.

   Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

   If you're going to fight with your spouse at the grocery store, I'm going to put on a rally cap and start cheering for whoever is losing.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "geek magic."

   Never mix anxiety medication with alcohol unless you're absolutely certain you want it to work better.

   Only 4 more months until Ryan Lochte comes down the chimney and brings us all presents.

   Sometimes I can't figure out if it's Botox or a bee sting.

   Just another Sunday morning that my family won't join me singing "Lord I was Born a Scramblin' Man" while I make their eggs.

   You can't just light a pumpkin spice candle in August you psycho.

   Love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.

   Good thing about electing Hilary is that when she screws up, people will say it could have been worse if we had elected Trump.

   What will the next Democrat prez do to end poverty? Same all the rest did; nothing...

   'Pokemon Go brought me here' walks into church....finds Jesus instead......

   My supervillain origin story is just someone knocking over my plate of super nachos.

   A woman drove me to drinking.. I wish she'd had left me her number, now I need a ride home.

   Eating candy wafers prepare children for eating Tums when they get older.

   I've been calling him Drape this whole time. Now I hear the k. Drake. Got it. Not Drape.

   Found a pin that said "WWJD?" in my hotel room. I'm having a dilemma because I'm pretty sure cocaine and strippers isn't the answer.

   Just accidentally kicked myself in the balls trying to get comfortable on the couch in case you're looking for a life coach.

   If the cops show up, I've been here since noon and this is just ketchup on my shirt. Cool?