Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Immediately recognized a porn star wearing a hat and no makeup at the gym today for anyone wondering if I've had sex this year.

   A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.

   I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.

   Ex-Congressman Weiner embroiled in new sexting scandal. Weiner at it again.

   Finally joined Tinder 'cause I've always wanted to date a white girl named Jazz.

   Thanks Nerds for reminding me its "Doctor", not "Dr" Who; also, I probably made out with your sister at a Motley Crue concert, so shut up!!!

   Miss the old Big Mac styrofoam containers, they made the best coffins for hamsters.

   Life Update: There are more empty Slurpee cups in my apartment than books.

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of kittens"

   Johnny Depp is like that cool guy you looked up to in high school until you went over to his house and saw his night light.

   Did you know, The Peoples Court theme was plagiarized from the threesome scene in the 70's porn film Debbie Does Dallas.

   Tim Kaine seems like he starts decorating his house for Halloween in August.

   Ryan Lochte looks like he has a trophy case for his medals and a separate one for his Adrian Grenier autographed DVD of the Entourage movie.

   When I die, I'd like my remains scattered along the beach. That said, I do not want to be cremated.

   The Burger King Whopperrito, because it's time to face your crippling depression head on.

   I ate my first pot brownie tonight and it finally occurred to me Donald Trump is running for President of the United States of America.

   Wondering if Quentin Tarantino is directing 2016?!?!

   Couple beside me in the restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.

   When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...

   What happens between a man and a McChicken should stay between that man and the McChicken....