Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   instead of hands up don't shoot,how about pull your pants up don't loot....

   Hey Hillary supporters, Your here illeagly so you wont be getting a chance to vote.

   It's not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

   Well, if you don't shop at Walmart, where do you buy your hotdog flavored potato chips?

   The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle.

   An Olympian biting their gold medal only it's me biting the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   Welcome to parenting. Hope you like ketchup.

   At least Ryan Lochte didn't say he invented the airplane.

   Kids suck at eating ice cream cones.

   On a scale of 1 to functional alcoholic, where does pre-gaming before my daughter's kindergarten open house fall?

   Drugs are bad but if there were ever a reason for cocaine, it would be having kids.

   Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

   If you're going to fight with your spouse at the grocery store, I'm going to put on a rally cap and start cheering for whoever is losing.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "geek magic."

   Never mix anxiety medication with alcohol unless you're absolutely certain you want it to work better.

   Only 4 more months until Ryan Lochte comes down the chimney and brings us all presents.

   Sometimes I can't figure out if it's Botox or a bee sting.

   Just another Sunday morning that my family won't join me singing "Lord I was Born a Scramblin' Man" while I make their eggs.

   You can't just light a pumpkin spice candle in August you psycho.

   Love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.