Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this wayPro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job

   I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.

   [high school] Teacher: do you have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

   I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."

   My life is like a sitcom, but without the witty one-liners, quirky friends, hilarious situations or laugh track.

   Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...

   Heres an idea band-aid people: Clear band-aids so you dont have to keep taking them off to show people your cuts.

   .... Enjoying music is like eating candy .... The first thing you do is get rid of the Rapper ....

   I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.

   I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.

   "But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil

   ..... Still waiting for the Olympic Committee to award me with the Bronze Medal for Bronzing my metal ....

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.

   If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax,,, then Australia says it'll come clean about the platypus.

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.