Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Possums, wheither really dead or faking it, make great pillows for camping.

   If you love Jesus more than your husband then start praying the next time you need a jar open.

   Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.

   Donald Trump celebrated Free Slurpee Day by honoring those brave souls who died on 7/11.

   Overheard inside 7Eleven yesterday, if the hot dogs stay on the heated rollers for 24 hours they become mini Slim Jim's.

   Overheard at the 7Eleven slurpee machines, all employees must immediately get a tetanus shot after using the bathroom.

   New study suggests eating pasta does not promote weight gain. However, not stopping, just might.

   It's cute how you tell people you're broke they think you mean financially and not emotionally.

   Just how can these folks afford to buy all of these weapons and ammunition while on Welfare and Food Stamps anyways? Last I checked those items really don't qualify for Food Stamp Purchases.

   Its true what they say about never meeting your heroes. Just ask anyone who's ever met me.

   LOL ..... "Planned Parenthod" Tweeted that Black Lives Matter ........ Hmmmmm ... turns out Black women comprise almost 40-50% of the abortions in the US. Guess you don't wanna make your best customers angry.

   Ok, This ridiculous Pokémon craze is getting out of control, but if you ladies insist on playing, I have a giant Pokémon in my pants. His name is Squirtle...

   Humans are strange. We have all the answers to our own problems. If only someone else would do it.

   Has it occurred to ANYONE that if you can organize that many people to protest, you can organize that many people to clean up you community and get rid of the criminal element causing the problem? Where's that rally?

   Just found out about the Pokémon Go app today and downloaded it. No disrespect intended BUT....I find enough shizzle on my own without blindly following this app that led me into dog poo in my neighbors front yard.

   Turns out doing and saying not very well thought out things is actually a very dumb stupid idiotic thing to do ..... Just ask my wife ..... Well .... Ex-Wife now.

   Just so we dont have black kids running around the neighborhood looking suspicous -It's "Pokemon Yo". Keeps all your searches confined to your welfare housing project.

   Two Jihadists have been located: Hous Bin Farteen and M'Balls iz Hari

   Has it occurred to ANYONE that if you can organize that many people to protest, you can organize that many people to help build businesses, clean up your streets? Where's that rally?

   Pokemon GO has done more for child obesity in the last 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past 8 years.