Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon [high school] Teacher: do you have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
←Rate | 08-25-2016 07:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.
←Rate | 08-25-2016 06:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 20:30 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."
←Rate | 08-24-2016 19:46 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My life is like a sitcom, but without the witty one-liners, quirky friends, hilarious situations or laugh track.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 19:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...
←Rate | 08-24-2016 17:33 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Heres an idea band-aid people: Clear band-aids so you dont have to keep taking them off to show people your cuts.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 16:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon .... Enjoying music is like eating candy .... The first thing you do is get rid of the Rapper ....
←Rate | 08-24-2016 15:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 14:26 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.
←Rate | 08-24-2016 14:23 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon "But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil
←Rate | 08-24-2016 12:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ..... Still waiting for the Olympic Committee to award me with the Bronze Medal for Bronzing my metal ....
←Rate | 08-24-2016 00:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.
←Rate | 08-23-2016 23:09 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax,,, then Australia says it'll come clean about the platypus.
←Rate | 08-23-2016 22:51 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
←Rate | 08-23-2016 22:43 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.
←Rate | 08-23-2016 22:41 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf.
←Rate | 08-23-2016 21:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.
←Rate | 08-23-2016 17:12 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon I try to tell the children that the intertube is NOT just about porn and cursing at strangers in comment sections - it also has a dark side.
←Rate | 08-23-2016 11:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It was 25 years ago today that Al Gore invented the intertube. Celebrate this marvelous technical achievement by watching some cat-on-a-treadmill videos.
←Rate | 08-23-2016 11:31 Comments (2)  




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