Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congratulations Leonardo DiCaprio you are now qualified to do Lincoln Town Car commercials!!!

   Donald Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign sounding name, and neither does his daughter "Ivanka."

   If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

   Amazed to hear Hooter's had a free wings for mom on Mother's Day because nothing makes mom prouder than letting her know she raised a cheapskate and a perv.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number, I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   I never turn down email offers, currently my male genitals are 200 feet long.

   I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid

   Well it took forever and I almost got beat up but I paid for my Taco Bell fully with all the quarters I found behind the cashier's ear.

   Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.

   I remember back in the 80s,,, BEFORE the Internet really existed,, that MTV used to randomly Rick Roll everyone.

   *Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar

   [God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..

   Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so

   why didn't you discuss paymet of the wall Mr Trump? SOFTENING!

   "Second coat my @$$! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   The "journalists" who tell you to distrust all the polls are 100% fine with you being blindsided on election day.

   so Trump is off to visit Mexico?. I hope his security detail is up to scratch.

   Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing myself to the athletes on The World Series Of Poker.

   the USPS should make stamps of Donald Trump just so everyone can say "I have a 'Trump Stamp' "