Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?

   Considering they got in a car and floated off into the sky I'd really like to know where Danny and Sandy went off to....

   Celebrating 100 years of people getting false news on the Internet.

   Message to Trump: Before you begin your outreach to minority voters, how about stop calling blacks "the blacks"?

   The sound of college vending machines is the sound of me never getting the body I want.

   If I die by gunshot, at my funeral I want at least three midgets re-enacting the 'bullet scene' from The Matrix.

   Apartment websites should at least have basic info like price, size, and if the upstairs neighbors sound like horses playing musical chairs.

   I can't imagine anyone let alone the B-52's walked outta the Love Shack STD free.

   Ryan Lochte joins latest "Dancing with the Stars" cast, claims Tom Bergeron robbed him at gunpoint.

   Ryan Lochte will be teaching swimming lessons at the community pool starting next week.

   In Yugoslavia. In Yugoslavia, you never starve.. Great stones song man ...

   Q: Is there intelligent life form on planet Earth? A: Only in a few areas.

   It was a toss up tonight between turning on the nightly news or migrating to Singapore to get an Organ illegally harvested.

   I wonder, when the citizens of Russia are filling out their Census form, do they put under Occupation “Chechnya”?

   Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.

   Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.

   Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this wayPro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job

   I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.