Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ryan Lochte = The Real Swim Shady

   I have NO idea who James Corden is, but I would'nt drive with him.

   Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.

   Rule #35 Of Cleaning A Fridge: Even if you didn't buy broccoli two months ago, there is two-month-old broccoli in the back.

   Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.

   If I was in a car with James Corden and he turned on the radio, I would open the door and get out while the car was still moving.

   I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."

   I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.

   When my first instinct was to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a squirrel, I realized I might not be part of God's elite squad.

   Don't get in a relationship with someone before knowing what voices they use around babies and pets.

   Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."

   Always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

   Sorry I'm late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.

   Before social media, what did people who desperately crave attention do? Did they have to contribute something of importance to humankind?

   Probably cure 60% of depressed teens just by showing them pics of what the cool kids I went to school with look like now.

   If anyone makes a movie of this Ryan Lochte story, please call it Double Jeahpardy.

   It's only once you're a little older and wiser that you realize the "one that got away" was a jean jacket you left at a guy's house in 2003.

   The plants outside of your office are plotting to rescue the plants inside your office. Their plan just takes 1000 years.

   In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group selfie photo.

   A lady down the street is hand-feeding a Yorkie in a baby stroller, if you want to meet the specific dog who has a better life than you do.