Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."

   Always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

   Sorry I'm late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.

   Before social media, what did people who desperately crave attention do? Did they have to contribute something of importance to humankind?

   Probably cure 60% of depressed teens just by showing them pics of what the cool kids I went to school with look like now.

   If anyone makes a movie of this Ryan Lochte story, please call it Double Jeahpardy.

   It's only once you're a little older and wiser that you realize the "one that got away" was a jean jacket you left at a guy's house in 2003.

   The plants outside of your office are plotting to rescue the plants inside your office. Their plan just takes 1000 years.

   In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group selfie photo.

   A lady down the street is hand-feeding a Yorkie in a baby stroller, if you want to meet the specific dog who has a better life than you do.

   Never done CrossFit but I have chased my shopping list through a windy parking lot before.

   Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.

   If your city doesn't have a jazz or classical radio station, chances are your neighbors own lots of guns.

   I bet the same guy who named the fireplace named leftovers.

   Just ate a cheese stick wrapped in salami that I bought from 7-11 but I still feel like I deserve God's love.

   Always hoped to be unwed and financially unstable in my 30s and here I am, killing it.

   Every kid who had a framed Lamborghini poster in his bedroom now works at a vape shop.

   Really want to go on House Hunters and just repeatedly ask, "how many ferret cages you reckon would fit in here?" in every room.

   Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   If I was in a position to hire someone and their resume read "I've never attended a political rally", I'd probably give them the job.