Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon A bumper sticker read: "My Pembroke Welsh Corgi is smarter than your Honors Student." Please, someone, make that academic face-off happen.
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm watching a friend's kid eat Cheerios one by one off a highchair tray while staring into space, and I want to ask how she got this job.
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A family at Starbucks is discussing a relative's intervention, and after an hour of eavesdropping I'll be offended if they don't invite me.
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A child in the grocery store wouldn't stop repeating "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!" so I whispered, "You're gonna do great on Twitter someday."
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Day drinking"? Listen, kids, when I was young it wasn't called that. We used its full name: "Jesus, Phyllis, it's not even noon."
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Once you're 40, friendships fade; lives move on. Which is good, because you need all that new free time to stare at your neck in the mirror.
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In my dating service, I match two total strangers for a trip to Home Depot. If they end up yelling at each other, they should be married.
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You're an adult. Stop hashtagging full sentences on Facebook.
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
←Rate | 08-28-2016 01:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ryan Lochte = The Real Swim Shady
←Rate | 08-28-2016 00:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have NO idea who James Corden is, but I would'nt drive with him.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 15:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rule #35 Of Cleaning A Fridge: Even if you didn't buy broccoli two months ago, there is two-month-old broccoli in the back.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I was in a car with James Corden and he turned on the radio, I would open the door and get out while the car was still moving.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When my first instinct was to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a squirrel, I realized I might not be part of God's elite squad.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't get in a relationship with someone before knowing what voices they use around babies and pets.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 14:38 Comments (0)  




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