Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no way Hollywood could remake "The Ring" for millennials,,, because none of them would answer the phone.

   For the next week, out of great love and respect, I'm calling my willy Wonka.

   You know Samsung has a problem when they include a "my phone battery exploded" emoji in their messaging service.

   Gonna write something about All Lives Matter but I suddenly saw Jared Fogle trending again.

   Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to "it's complicated."

   I live in Los Angeles. We already have Taco Trucks on every corner, and it's wonderful!!!

   Did you know, I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house.

   I hope Tropical Storm Hermine gets upgraded. Only because I think 'Hurricaine Hermine' sounds like a 1950's pro wrestler.

   Just not sure if this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I just saw a tow truck towing a tow truck.

   Dug up a questionable bone in my backyard and re-buried it because ain't no one got time for an investigation.

   Donald Trump says he didn't discuss Mexico paying for the wall with President Nieto because he thought he was the janitor.

   If Trump wins, I'm going to open a florist shop near the Mexican border. And yes, I will call the shop "Wallflowers."

   The only thing worse than Penn State honoring Joe Paterno before the Temple game would be if Temple honored Bill Cosby.

   Sometimes Jesus counts unlimited breadsticks, as one of His miracles.

   I clicked on a link and it said "Attachment Unavailable". That's dating in a nutshell.

   Always spike my coffee from a hidden flask that contains more coffee.

   Most Mexicans affectionately refer to Donald Trump as "El Piñata."

   Most people don't realize the phrase "I could eat a horse" came from Dolph Lundgren after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

   "We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere

   Those credit card companies are pretty tricky hiding the security code on the back of the card.