Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can.

   Two mice at Petco were fighting to run on the same poop-covered wheel, which is a decent analogy for trying to meet your soulmate in a bar.

   Facebook's great for tedious daily updates from people who should have inched away from you in the natural continental drift of life by now.

   I'm terrible at confrontation, so I get rid of phone solicitors the only way I know how: inviting them to my destination wedding.

   When a sudden wind kicks up piles of leaves and the weather vane makes an ominous creaky turn, it just means a cool new witch moved to town.

   It's almost Labor Day, so get out there and celebrate the sacrifice of others by drunk driving a boat.

   I'm playing fast and loose with milk expiration dates. This day could go anywhere.

   I saw the best minds of my generation getting, like, really mad on the internet.

   If you're yelling into FaceTime in an airport bar, the rest of us get to lean over your shoulder and join the conversation.

   Just want the casual confidence of the woman who wears her travel neck pillow to the airplane bathroom.

   A bumper sticker read: "My Pembroke Welsh Corgi is smarter than your Honors Student." Please, someone, make that academic face-off happen.

   I'm watching a friend's kid eat Cheerios one by one off a highchair tray while staring into space, and I want to ask how she got this job.

   This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

   A family at Starbucks is discussing a relative's intervention, and after an hour of eavesdropping I'll be offended if they don't invite me.

   A child in the grocery store wouldn't stop repeating "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!" so I whispered, "You're gonna do great on Twitter someday."

   "Day drinking"? Listen, kids, when I was young it wasn't called that. We used its full name: "Jesus, Phyllis, it's not even noon."

   Once you're 40, friendships fade; lives move on. Which is good, because you need all that new free time to stare at your neck in the mirror.

   In my dating service, I match two total strangers for a trip to Home Depot. If they end up yelling at each other, they should be married.

   You're an adult. Stop hashtagging full sentences on Facebook.

   It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.