Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1168 of 6446

A bumper sticker read: "My Pembroke Welsh Corgi is smarter than your Honors Student." Please, someone, make that academic face-off happen.
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08-28-2016 01:33
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I'm watching a friend's kid eat Cheerios one by one off a highchair tray while staring into space, and I want to ask how she got this job.
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08-28-2016 01:32
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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
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08-28-2016 01:31
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A family at Starbucks is discussing a relative's intervention, and after an hour of eavesdropping I'll be offended if they don't invite me.
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08-28-2016 01:29
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A child in the grocery store wouldn't stop repeating "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!" so I whispered, "You're gonna do great on Twitter someday."
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08-28-2016 01:28
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"Day drinking"? Listen, kids, when I was young it wasn't called that. We used its full name: "Jesus, Phyllis, it's not even noon."
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08-28-2016 01:27
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Once you're 40, friendships fade; lives move on. Which is good, because you need all that new free time to stare at your neck in the mirror.
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08-28-2016 01:26
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In my dating service, I match two total strangers for a trip to Home Depot. If they end up yelling at each other, they should be married.
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08-28-2016 01:25
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You're an adult. Stop hashtagging full sentences on Facebook.
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08-28-2016 01:24
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It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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08-28-2016 01:23
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Ryan Lochte = The Real Swim Shady
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08-28-2016 00:54
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I have NO idea who James Corden is, but I would'nt drive with him.
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08-27-2016 15:26
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Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.
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08-27-2016 14:47
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Rule #35 Of Cleaning A Fridge: Even if you didn't buy broccoli two months ago, there is two-month-old broccoli in the back.
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08-27-2016 14:44
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Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.
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08-27-2016 14:43
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If I was in a car with James Corden and he turned on the radio, I would open the door and get out while the car was still moving.
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08-27-2016 14:42
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."
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08-27-2016 14:41
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
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08-27-2016 14:40
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When my first instinct was to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a squirrel, I realized I might not be part of God's elite squad.
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08-27-2016 14:39
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Don't get in a relationship with someone before knowing what voices they use around babies and pets.
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08-27-2016 14:38
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