Funny Status Messages

   My hobbies include but are not limited to, being difficult for no reason & not responding to texts.

   Heyyyy Chill out. Were NOT building a wall... Just kidding D-Bagz , of course we are.

   Many people seem to appreciate my honesty until I'm honest with them. Then I become an azzhole....

   Thank you myfitnesspal for helping me track my calorie intake. Apparently I'm eating enough every day to keep three people alive.

   Drug addiction runs in my family. I come from a long line of cocaine.

   My sports career was abruptly ended by the baby gate hurdle incident of 1996.

   They were totally out of coloring books at the adult book store again.

   Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking....

   Rarely do I go a full day without attempting a Russian accent.

   I know Fall is getting close because the squirrels are wearing Uggs and demanding pumpkin spice lattes.

   Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....

   "Cheesecake solves all problems." ~ Golden Girls 3:16

   Love how Disney movies teach you that you can be anyone you want, as long as it's a princess.

   Never trusted Cinderella because in a world of fairy tales, who uses a broom to clean? She should have used it to fly far far away.

   I'm not judgemental until you call Led Zeppelin old.

   We can’t correct your catastrophic ignorance of The Rockford Files in one sitting. Let’s schedule another session.

   Again Mr Jovi, Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

   I'm just looking for anything that gets me as excited as 10-year-old me when Fonzie made a surprise appearance on Laverne & Shirley.

   I missed the MTV music awards! Who won best music video that MTV will never play?

   You search and search for that nostalgic early 90's reference and then finally whoomp there it is.