Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.

   Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.

   Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,

   I find it interesting that over the past few hears Hackers have broken the biggest stories ..... And our Journalists who's job it is to report the news has tried frantically to cover them up ....

   Just watched a dog sucking on a pacifier as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star played and dont know how to feel.

   Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.

   If you ever see a woman with her arm stuck in a Pringles can in Walmart, I'd appreciate it if you don't make eye contact with me, thanks.

   There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

   Are we scraping you off the floor or the ceiling today?

   If you have sex with someone who likes to be choked, what's the polite amount of time to wait before initiating CPR?

   A breakaway cop uniform might be a bit tacky but I think I could pull it off.

   Perhaps it's best that Jack went crazy in The Shining because if he took that book to a publisher, boy that would've been embarrassing.

   Should be working but instead thinking how I could smuggle a tennis ball cannon into the Westminster Dog Show.

   No, it isn't Maybelline. It's chocolate pudding.

   Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.

   Wow, watching the People in the Commercial Rock Climb, Scuba Dive & Live Life to the Fullest ............... makes me Wish I had Genital Herpes too.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn't funny. I just want to live life again.

   Critiquing what local business owners do with their hands on 30 second spots since 1984.

   Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you've got alzheimers.