Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never watched a documentary about paint drying though I have watched a 4 year old eat 7 peas.

   Sarah Palin not asked to speak at the Republican National Convention after discovering she doesn't have a passport to leave Alaska.

   "1-800-Yankees." - My reply when someone asks me to give them a phone number

   Just farted so badly Adam Sandler is pitching to buy the rights to make a movie about it.

   This Pokemon Go app is getting way too serious ..... My doctor said he found a Pokemon in my Chest X-Ray

   QUESTION: "What to you have when you finally find ALL of the Pokemon?" ... ANSWER: "Nothing .... you have nothing."

   ... it's so damn HOT out there I'm not even going out to look for Pokemon.

   ....... Hey Barack and Hillary .... Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!!!!

   It's so damn hot I think I'll go put the toilet seat up on purpose so I can get a cold Icy stare from my girlfriend

   It's a sad day when a 4 year old girl is more calm and collected than a police officer.

   some dude playing Pokémon go came inside my house to catch a Pokémon and stole my TV

   Im in the restroom using the urinals and someone walked next to me to catch a Pokemon!

   Protests to stop police from killing their race but then you kill each other for a pair of Jordans....smh

   Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs!" - Said by no one...

   "But apart from that , How did you enjoy the play Mrs. Lincoln"

   I woke up this morning and there was a big Pokemon next to me and I don't even have the app!

   He had no known links to t errorist organisations? Just being a m ulslim is a known link to t errorism.

   I don't care what any politician says ..... This country and this world are definitely not better places than it was 8 years ago! If they say otherwise they are liars and should not be trusted.

   I ordered 2 pizzas from Dominoes. The order taker was not amused when I asked her for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Total.

   Divorce: The end of an error.....