Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Amazed to hear Hooter's had a free wings for mom on Mother's Day because nothing makes mom prouder than letting her know she raised a cheapskate and a perv.
←Rate | 09-01-2016 01:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number, I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
←Rate | 09-01-2016 01:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never turn down email offers, currently my male genitals are 200 feet long.
←Rate | 09-01-2016 01:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid
←Rate | 09-01-2016 01:32 by Kewlgreg Comments (0)  


   messageicon Well it took forever and I almost got beat up but I paid for my Taco Bell fully with all the quarters I found behind the cashier's ear.
←Rate | 09-01-2016 01:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
←Rate | 09-01-2016 01:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.
←Rate | 08-31-2016 20:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember back in the 80s,,, BEFORE the Internet really existed,, that MTV used to randomly Rick Roll everyone.
←Rate | 08-31-2016 19:56 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon *Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar
←Rate | 08-31-2016 19:16 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon [God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..
←Rate | 08-31-2016 19:03 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so
←Rate | 08-31-2016 18:56 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon why didn't you discuss paymet of the wall Mr Trump? SOFTENING!
←Rate | 08-31-2016 16:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Second coat my @$$! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.
←Rate | 08-31-2016 14:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The "journalists" who tell you to distrust all the polls are 100% fine with you being blindsided on election day.
←Rate | 08-31-2016 11:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon so Trump is off to visit Mexico?. I hope his security detail is up to scratch.
←Rate | 08-31-2016 09:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing myself to the athletes on The World Series Of Poker.
←Rate | 08-31-2016 07:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon the USPS should make stamps of Donald Trump just so everyone can say "I have a 'Trump Stamp' "
←Rate | 08-31-2016 02:21 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Colin Kaepernick says America is not great and people tell him to leave. Donald Trump says America is not great and may become president. White privilege.
←Rate | 08-31-2016 00:19 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Black Lives matter to Donald Trump. His words not mine.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 22:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 20:58 by Snotty Comments (0)  




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