Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Picture a gang of criminals scanning an area for Pokemon before deciding to dump a body.

   I went to to gym today. Next week I'm going to get out of my car....

   Does anyone else think "Master of Fine Arts" sounds sarcastic?

   Donald Trump formally announces Mike Pence as is VP pick. No word yet on if he plans on leaving him for a younger, prettier running mate.

   BREAKING: Chris Christie endorses Hillary Clinton.

   Darwin would praise Pokemon Go for weeding out the weak links.

   Hoping people are not gonna play Pokemon Go during the Summer Olympics games in Rio... looking for Zikaachu..

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?

   "Hit em with the Hein!!"

   Military coup in Turkey. Terrorism in France. Massacre in Dallas. "Day Of Rage" across the US. Ghostbusters remake in theaters. I want to move....to a different planet.

   God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Every room is a panic room if you suffer from anxiety.

   Mick Jagger to be a father at 72. Names Keith Richards child's godfather to ensure the child is brought up right long after Mick's gone.

   Minor Daily Wins: I was 5 minutes late for work today, but my boss was 15 minutes late....so I was 10 minutes early to work.

   Tim Tebow speaking at the Republican National Convention guarantees the Republicans have no shot at winning the Superbowl next year.

   Pro Tip: Avoid conversations by sitting at the bottom of the pool.

   5 Word Guilt Trip: Just go. I'll be fine.

   Did you know, the inventor of the headphones worked next to a guy who happily whistled all of the time.