Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I felt like the ending of this weeks episode of Trump was kind of boring. Right? I guess the writers are building to something big.

   YOLO is solely responsible for 75% of all teen pregnancies this year.

   Playing dice with squirrels in parks is strictly prohibited.

   Million Dollar Idea: Batting gloves you don't have to adjust and tighten every 30 seconds.

   Love Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the scary imagery. Then I turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.

   In 2015 Colorado collected $125 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   Just saw a hipster carrying around a phone booth.

   Facebook Memories: Here's you and your ex-boyfriend walking your dead dog! PS- It's from the year your dad left.

   Well well well teddy bear at CVS not looking so smug now that you're 75% off.

   Congratulations Leonardo DiCaprio you are now qualified to do Lincoln Town Car commercials!!!

   Donald Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign sounding name, and neither does his daughter "Ivanka."

   If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

   Amazed to hear Hooter's had a free wings for mom on Mother's Day because nothing makes mom prouder than letting her know she raised a cheapskate and a perv.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number, I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   I never turn down email offers, currently my male genitals are 200 feet long.

   I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid

   Well it took forever and I almost got beat up but I paid for my Taco Bell fully with all the quarters I found behind the cashier's ear.

   Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.