Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ive been using the same tube of mascara for longer than Brock Turner was in jail.

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   ..... OK .... Listen up boys and girls ..... If Hillary Clinton can claim to not remember how to identify a classified document ...... How can she claim to have never sent or received one? ..... Any Plausible Answers?

   Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...

   I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.

   If you don't bother to raise for our national anthem, you don't deserve our freedom. Simple

   I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me. After yesterday, the ice cream man can go stuff himself!

   I wish my typing skills were as good as the people in the movies.

   People playing Pokemon, Blink 182 having a hit song, a Clinton running for Pres., a Tarzan movie in theaters. Welcome to the 90s.

   Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.

   Whats the best drug to have sex on? BIRTH CONTROL

   Today, famous author Elizabeth Gilbert of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame revealed she left her husband for her female best friend. Future plans include a sequel to the best-selling book entitled "Eat, Pray, Scissor."

   .... I have been self identifying as a woman ever since the men's room at the theater was full.

   AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.

   SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us

   Dr: "How would you say your diet is going?" Me: ... *sneezes and a Skittle come out* "Ummm, Pretty well."