Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sports career was abruptly ended by the baby gate hurdle incident of 1996.

   They were totally out of coloring books at the adult book store again.

   Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking....

   Rarely do I go a full day without attempting a Russian accent.

   I know Fall is getting close because the squirrels are wearing Uggs and demanding pumpkin spice lattes.

   Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....

   "Cheesecake solves all problems." ~ Golden Girls 3:16

   Love how Disney movies teach you that you can be anyone you want, as long as it's a princess.

   Never trusted Cinderella because in a world of fairy tales, who uses a broom to clean? She should have used it to fly far far away.

   I'm not judgemental until you call Led Zeppelin old.

   We can’t correct your catastrophic ignorance of The Rockford Files in one sitting. Let’s schedule another session.

   Again Mr Jovi, Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

   I'm just looking for anything that gets me as excited as 10-year-old me when Fonzie made a surprise appearance on Laverne & Shirley.

   I missed the MTV music awards! Who won best music video that MTV will never play?

   You search and search for that nostalgic early 90's reference and then finally whoomp there it is.

   Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon, When you coming home, Son?!?! When you stop talking crazy, Dad.

   Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

   My dentist said I need a crown I was like I know, right?

   Melania's upset. Several news outlets called her a 'former escort'. because the word 'former' implies that she isn't one anymore.

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"............this walmart sucks!