Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most Mexicans affectionately refer to Donald Trump as "El Piñata."

   Most people don't realize the phrase "I could eat a horse" came from Dolph Lundgren after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

   "We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere

   Those credit card companies are pretty tricky hiding the security code on the back of the card.

   Notes From The Teacher: Please have little Johnny practice the phrase, "Paper or plastic?"

   If we all pretend to not see or hear Donald Trump, I bet he'd just go away. After all, his narcissism is based on attention.

   Call me crazy, but I'd rather see a taco truck on every corner than an anti-choice bigot on every Supreme Court seat.

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   I've reached that age where scratching my b@lls has become both an art and a science. Actually, it's a finely tuned combination of both a taffy pull and a game of hot potato.

   FOX News has the most embarrasing moments on TV EVER! Every time you think they're done embarresing themselves - WOW!

   Remember yesterday was September.... So,, Only three more months of summer

   I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness

   My hobbies include but are not limited to, being difficult for no reason & not responding to texts.

   Heyyyy Chill out. Were NOT building a wall... Just kidding D-Bagz , of course we are.

   Many people seem to appreciate my honesty until I'm honest with them. Then I become an azzhole....

   Thank you myfitnesspal for helping me track my calorie intake. Apparently I'm eating enough every day to keep three people alive.

   Drug addiction runs in my family. I come from a long line of cocaine.

   My sports career was abruptly ended by the baby gate hurdle incident of 1996.

   They were totally out of coloring books at the adult book store again.

   Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking....