Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November?

   Leia walks into the bedroom to find Han staring at himself in the mirror,, holding bagels over his ears.

   Ohhhh, the wonders of Adderall....

   I wonder what kids today are going to tell their kids. 'Yeah. it was rough back then. I didn't get a smartphone til 4th grade and sometimes the wifi didn't work upstairs.'

   Happy Teacher's day to all our Wives, we may have not heard so many lectures before, Thank You

   *Sees a truck: Nice... *Sees a trucker: Oh, impressive... *Sees a truckest: Ah yes,, This is what I came for.

   Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.

   Facebook memories... Just in case you didn't have enough "WTF was I thinking" moments during the day..

   When a couple breaks up, the girl always thinks the guy blew it while the guy is glad he’s away from that psycho b*tch.

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish?..........Mark Sanchez

   Hey Trump haters... You guys can still pee in the ladies room since you have been for years anyway

   If by picnic you mean eating inside at a restaurant not swatting insects then yes, yes, I'll join you for a picnic.

   Someone was blocking the grocery aisle with their cart, so naturally I walked over one aisle to get around them like an adult.

   While we're all talking about it, can I suggest a Fish n Chip truck on every other corner?

   My favorite brand of tent for camping is Marriott.

   Why aren't Cadbury eggs available year round?

   You know your weed man is getting too popular when he has his own Snapchat location filter.

   If we don't build a wall on our northern border, they'll soon be maple syrup and Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.

   One of the greatest moments of progress in world peace and democracy was tearing down the Berlin Wall. Only a true psychopath would think building a giant wall is a progressive step in our world.

   People all upset about someone not standing while wearing hats about how America sucks and voting a draft dodger.