Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my "like" on Facebook you better bring it.
←Rate | 09-10-2016 06:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.
←Rate | 09-10-2016 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Really hate crime but I love true crime docs so I'm at a real impasse here.
←Rate | 09-10-2016 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.
←Rate | 09-10-2016 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ITT Tech shutting down, which is a bad sign for other fake schools like University of Phoenix, Devry University, or Texas A&M.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 16:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon High School In 5 Words: Wore helmet. Didn't play football.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 16:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You don't have to brush your teeth nearly as often when you're in a long distance relationship.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel bad for whichever government employee has to monitor me, as me vacuuming alone looks like a movie directed by David Lynch.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nordstrom is a Swedish word that means “1 for the price of 2.”
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Matt Lauer asks Tim Tebow about Aleppo it could break the internet.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pokemon Go is coming to the new Apple Watch, which should double the speed at which I no longer care about either.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As a parent 40% of your time raising a teenager is threatening to take their bedroom door off the hinges....
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump promises to give generals 30 days to create a plan to defeat ISIS. He also wants them to create a perfume and shoot the ads or they'll be fired.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ann Coulter called "c*nt" 19 times during the 2 hour Comedy Central roast. Less than she's used to over a 2 hour period, but still a lot.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston split. What?!?! No one saw this coming except her label which began cover art for her new album the night they kissed.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Matt Lauer got his journalism degree in a Bazooka Joe comic.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Roger Ailes is offering to sleep with all Female Trump supporters to raise money for charity.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gave this girl my number and now she won't stop texting me. "Your table is ready. Please check in with the host." Geez....give me some space.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not do be outdone by the iPhone 7, Samsung announced today that their new phone will have a slightly less exploding battery.
←Rate | 09-09-2016 15:46 Comments (0)  




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