Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Driving 42 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 2 miles from my house is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   I never broke up with my summer camp fling....technically we're still dating. My commitment issues are over!

   What if Donald Trump's entire immigration policy was just an elaborate ploy to divorce Melania?

   Staying focused is very challenging when there's so much porn on the Internet.

   The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're crazy.

   When you see a Snowden movie directed by Oliver Stone, do the theater ushers hand out tin foil hats instead of 3D glasses?

   Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $8.13 in change.

   Other Classic Jimmy Fallon Bits: 1) Coyishly rubbing oil on Putin's bare chest. 2) Playing footsie with Saddam Hussein. 3) Tugging Osama's beard.

   What I really seek is a career where I can combine my three main strengths as a worker: sulking, sighing and complaining about management.

   Wonder what the electric eel was called, before electricity was invented.

   Interesting. Donald Trump Jr. said his dad releasing tax returns would lead to too many questions. Questions like, "Why have you never, ever paid taxes?"

   Donald Trump claims to only be 236 pounds. His pot belly, turkey neck and jowls plead the fifth.

   The best threesome is two chocolate chip cookies sandwiching ice cream.

   Did you know the NFL has announced they'll pledge $100 million to prevent player concussions; still no word on preventing their wives concussions.

   Brock Turner launching a "Drinking and Promiscuity" speaking tour is like Bill Cosby launching a "Roofies and Asking for It" sleep clinic.

   Trump reveals his medical records. They include Dr. Dre, Dr. Hook, and the Spin Doctors.

   Clinton 46% but her body double is polling at 62%....

   I don't really care to people's opinions when I can hit their IQ on a dart board.

   As it says in Corinthinans 2: "The hateful bigot shall be forgiven if after 7 years he blames someone else while promoting his hotel."#amen

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race, but then I remember there are grown ups who like Pokémon Go.