Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its funny how black NFL players sit during the national anthem in protest but would surely shoot another black for a cool pair of sneakers.

   The Land of the Free but don't exercise your freedoms because that's not patriotic.

   Just turned in an assignment on hookers and blow. This organized crime class is the best.

   So when you have to leave for the airport at 3 AM is it better to snort ground coffee straight or just let Jesus take the wheel?

   When it's time to pick teams I'm picking the concession stand every time because sno cones are delicious.

   You haven't lived like a pimp until you've paid your fall college tuition in cash.

   If this store knew anything about marketing there would be a wine display in the back to school supply section.

   FYI: If you're a billionaire and you don't have a private 24 hour Starbucks added to your mansion you're doing it wrong.

   Accidentally took 2 sleeping pills instead of 1 so someone please record the presidential inauguration for me.

   Never question my career choices more than when I'm on a large conference call with people who don't know when to mute their phone.

   Stupid dog keeps eating the cat food but I don't have the heart to tell her it's not actually made out of cats.

   The wife of a friend of mine just had their baby in the hospital parking lot in case you're looking for money saving tips.

   My daughter just made her Jr High volleyball team. If these moms are anything like the cheer moms I'm going to need more roofies.

   Wish I could hate eating dinner as much as I hate cooking dinner.

   My kid is getting bottom braces on today and said I should give her $80 to make up for the pain. She'll make a great attorney someday.

   So I guess Wells Fargo bank is hiring in case you need a job and don't hate your life enough already.

   I ordered 2 venti coffees from Starbucks for myself tonight so now I'm the new face of addiction.

   I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my "like" on Facebook you better bring it.

   Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.

   Really hate crime but I love true crime docs so I'm at a real impasse here.