Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1143 of 6383
Do most people on Twitter use their real pictures?!?! Heck, I'm watching a cabbage argue about atheism with a cat.
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07-29-2016 15:50
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I'm 31 years old. I just walked into a telephone pole playing Pokemon Go. My life turned out pretty much exactly like I expected.
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07-29-2016 15:47
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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
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07-29-2016 15:45
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In case you wondered what it's like being married with kids, I just told my wife, "You bathe the baby. I'll scrub the poop off the walls."
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07-29-2016 15:44
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The Stages Of Eating Pizza: 1) I ate way too much. 2) This hurts. Why am I still eating? 3) One more bite & I’ll die. 4) Just 3 more slices....
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07-29-2016 15:43
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Vacation Photos 1995: "That's where we watched a breathtaking sunset over the Grand Canyon." Vacation Photos Now: "That's where we caught Pikachu."
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07-29-2016 15:41
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Had to stop the baby from eating garbage four times today, yet she won't touch her baby food. I guess that settles the taste test.
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07-29-2016 15:37
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First Night Of Vacation: 3 kids woke up crying, 1 kid peed through her clothes, my wife threw up....so it's going better than last year.
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07-29-2016 15:36
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Overheard this guy say "I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can't hula hoop." Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable....
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07-29-2016 15:33
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If not for anything else I'm surprised my future self hasn't come back in time to furiously shake his head at me.
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07-29-2016 15:31
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North Korea declares war against US. What did Seth Rogen and James Franco do this time?
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07-29-2016 15:30
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I don't want to live in a world where HBO forces Sesame Street to cut Bob, Gordon and Luis but renews Ballers indefinitely.
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07-29-2016 15:30
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I am a male feminist because I have a genetic history of women in my family. As it turns out, my grandmothers and my mother were ALL women.
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07-29-2016 15:29
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Sarah Palin claims Russia didn't hack the DNC because she can see them from her house.
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07-29-2016 15:28
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Bad things to assume where my Facebook political rant is really gonna shake things up with this election.
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07-29-2016 15:27
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Follow your dreams. Unless you're a serial killer who wants to work in a circus as a knife thrower. That's just wrong, bro.
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07-29-2016 15:22
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anybody else hoping to see John Hinckley Jr at the next Hillary rally?
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07-29-2016 14:48 by John Y
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At this point, I think the only possibility way for America to be great is if Trump's plane collides with Hillary's plane at 40,000 feet head on and nothing but ashes make it to the ground.
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07-29-2016 14:47
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If it's the thought that counts, I should probably be in jail.
Busy day at work today, a man was rushed to the hospital with 6 toy horses up his Butt. Doctors describe his condition as stable.
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07-29-2016 09:40
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