Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1143 of 6452

COPD is deadly and no one likes dealing with it, whether you are referring to Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, or the Commission On Presidential Debates.
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09-26-2016 19:26 by Gil
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Surgeon General warns taking a shot for every lie told in tonight's debate will result in acute alcohol poisoning.
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09-26-2016 18:50
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I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks
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09-26-2016 17:20 by Snotty
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The Republicans and the Libertarians should merge their Presidential tickets. Then Trump could really talk about his Johnson!
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09-26-2016 17:18 by Saint
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I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.
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09-26-2016 14:39 by Baddie
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If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.” No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ― George Carlin
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09-25-2016 12:48
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My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs @ the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.
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09-24-2016 20:11
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7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
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09-24-2016 19:17
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Breaking News: The DOJ has released new guidelines. You can no longer use the term looting when talking about protests. The new PC term is now " Revenge shopping "
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09-24-2016 15:43
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Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....
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09-24-2016 14:03
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Some girl just asked me if she's wearing too much make-up. I told her that depends on whether she's trying to kill Batman or not.
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09-24-2016 11:34
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Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?
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09-24-2016 11:26
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It's not called looting under this administration. . .we are calling it revenge shopping
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09-24-2016 06:27
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In this day of age of lawsuits and political correctness it is wise to add "Allegedly" at the end of any accusations you make.
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09-23-2016 17:39
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My 2 boys are so energetic so I asked them when is the best time to setup the trampoline. One of them replied"Spring-time".
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09-23-2016 17:30
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America doesn't have a gun problem, America has an idiot problem.
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09-23-2016 17:14
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Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....
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09-23-2016 15:49
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My elderly neighbor tried to buy something online yesterday. ... anyone know how to get a credit card out of a disc drive ?
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09-23-2016 15:45
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A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.
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09-23-2016 15:32 by Mickey
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