Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to those in America who still have faith in, and who resoundingly support Hillary Clinton. I applaud all 3 of yall :)

   For some reason the "Samsung Galaxy Note 7" has become the preferred phone of terrorists.

   Hillary couldn't even establish a "No Fly Zone" on her face!!

   Corn mazes would be a lot more fun if they would start earlier in the growing season and make it an "All you can eat" corn-on-the-cob-fest

   I didn't realize that the circus stayed in town so long. Also I thought there was more to it than a clown and a freaky old lady. When does it leave?

   So, one candidate wants to fix an economy that made him a billionaire while the other supports killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers...

   A coworker stopped by to inform me she had lost 30 pounds. As I watched her walk away I realize I had just found the 30 pounds.

   if you had one chance, one opportunity, to eat warm regurgitated food or fresh dog po0, what will you take? Hilarious or Dumph?

   Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.

   Birth control pills should come in Pez dispensers that feature a tiny baby head crying on top.

   Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management position at Chili's.

   The Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss scene except it's me, alone, eating a Hot Pocket over my sink.

   Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"

   it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?

   When someone tells me their baby's name is Chance I just assume it's because the condom broke.

   Maybe North Korea just needs a Snickers bar.

   If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.

   Ariana Grande's body is 60 percent water and 40 percent ponytail.

   If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.

   "Don't wear white after Labor Day" was the original first rule of Fight Club.