Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A couple kisses and gropes in public and nobody bats an eye but let a mother breastfeed in public and all hell breaks loose. How did we get to this as a society?

   If there is a god out there, it is his duty and responsibility to prove his existence to me. It's not a fellow human being's job.

   Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.

   Visiting my parents today. So, ask me anything about local news.

   One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.

   No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.

   I crash my bike every time I ride it to the pharmacy to pick up pain meds I need for all the injuries from my crashes. It's a vicious cycle.

   One time I used essential oils and after 7-10 days my cold was gone, it was incredible.

   The year is 2027. Thousands of missing women are unable to be found because they look nothing like the pictures they post on the Internet.

   Bad news guys, candy corn doesn't count as a vegetable because technically corn is a grain.

   Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

   Wearing a football jersey to Buffalo Wild Wings is dad cosplay.

   I'd rather lose the game than get Gatorade dumped on me.

   The best part of fall is dropping the gardening charade.

   Pretty proud of myself. Finished a TicTac without biting into it.

   Hi, this is your president, Donald Trump. I'm interrupting this program because I think it's a stupid show. It's terrible ok? You're fat by the way.

   If I met an alien I'd get him some Dippin' Dots because that would impress him with our planet's science, and also I just like them.

   Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

   Occasionally drop a headband in the trash, hoping a raccoon will find it and try it on.

   We bought this house because it has a perfect spot for the pile of clean socks.