Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like the way your medication thinks.

   Everytime this post gets liked a Jihadist gets killed.

   Thank you to the Emmy Awards for reminding me why I don't watch television.

   Before you get serious with a girl, spend some time around her and her mom. You need to observe the future crazy before moving too fast.

   Farting in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

   .... The Feminist movement maintains that "All Men are Pigs" and that "Women are Equal to Men"

   English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.

   Bengazi, deleting emails, donations from Saudi's, defending child rapists and laughing at their victims... feel free to make fun of Trumps hair (as that's all you've got).

   Weed is for people who cant afford cocaine.

   Wine is for parents that don't have a drug dealer.

   Walmart is selling six hot dogs for a dollar if anyone wants to die.

   2016 is awesome!!! Just checked an app to see if a package was delivered to my door yet. I'm on the couch, the door is 5 feet away.

   No Marijuana: Day 7 -More stamina. -Increased libido. -Decrease in mood swings. -Improved mental clarity. -I haven't slept. -3 people are dead.

   Would do anything for happiness but not like diet and exercise or staying off social media and seeking help from a professional.

   Someone just said hi to me at the gas pump what the heck is their problem....

   What's the protocol for when you're really angry but your favourite song comes on the radio?

   No one looks cool waiting for a guy to make them a balloon animal.

   Pharmacies are like arcades for the elderly.

   Sometimes I think I'm ready to teach meditation but other times someone honks at me and I scream death threats.

   It's difficult to not be a narcissist when your birthmark is the symbol of a Dragon warrior and your hair flows in the wind indoors.