Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1140 of 6446

Always hope I'm the first person somebody calls when they need help moving so they have more people to call when I decline.
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09-21-2016 05:12
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What to exercise today? Spots hottie in shorts. Gets on random machine nearby. Carefully follows her around gym.
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09-21-2016 05:10
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Saw a guy wearing shorts with suspenders and black socks with sandals and realized I'll never be that confident.
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09-21-2016 05:09
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The most contentious part of the Brangelina divorce will be who gets custody of Ethiopia.
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09-21-2016 05:08
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Over 15% of Venezuela residents eat garbage on a daily basis. “Disgusting. We’re so lucky in the US" said an oblivious Arby’s customer.
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09-21-2016 05:07
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Trump promises all Americans a free bag of Skittles when he's President.
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09-21-2016 05:06
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I'm voting for the old person who doesn't discriminate against hard candies.
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09-21-2016 05:03
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Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who can build a giant wall for cheap.
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09-21-2016 05:02
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Scientists say the Earth is now reflecting too little light back into space. The biggest drop came in 1987 with the death of Liberace.
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09-21-2016 05:01
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Just wish Bond movies give a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.
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09-21-2016 04:59
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Donald Trump Jr should not make fun of Skittles and Syrian refugees -- his mother is an immigrant and his father is an orange Skittle.
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09-21-2016 04:54
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damm girl are you sitting on the f5 key because that @$$ is refreshing
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09-20-2016 22:49
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I certainly hope Donald Trump Jr chokes on a handful of Skittles.
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09-20-2016 20:32
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I'm so jazzed .... It's obvious that Angelina DID get that letter I sent her claiming my undying love for her!! Still trying to figure out why it took her four years to divorce the Scmuck tho.
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09-20-2016 18:42
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Despite always being pictured as old men most "Founding Fathers" were actually young men during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, Madison was 25, James Monroe was 18, and Thomas Jefferson was 33!!!
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09-20-2016 18:35
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A hangover is just the body's special way of telling you ... your an idiot.
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09-20-2016 18:26
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I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them.
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09-20-2016 18:24
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..... Personally, I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make a lot more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.
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09-20-2016 18:19
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May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.
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09-20-2016 16:03
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I watched the1980's Karate Kid. I waxed the old man's car, sanded the floor, painted the fence and house. I'm still got my butt kicked because Hollywood lies.
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09-20-2016 15:49
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