Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just wish Bond movies give a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.

   Donald Trump Jr should not make fun of Skittles and Syrian refugees -- his mother is an immigrant and his father is an orange Skittle.

   damm girl are you sitting on the f5 key because that @$$ is refreshing

   I certainly hope Donald Trump Jr chokes on a handful of Skittles.

   I'm so jazzed .... It's obvious that Angelina DID get that letter I sent her claiming my undying love for her!! Still trying to figure out why it took her four years to divorce the Scmuck tho.

   Despite always being pictured as old men most "Founding Fathers" were actually young men during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, Madison was 25, James Monroe was 18, and Thomas Jefferson was 33!!!

   A hangover is just the body's special way of telling you ... your an idiot.

   I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them.

   ..... Personally, I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make a lot more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.

   I watched the1980's Karate Kid. I waxed the old man's car, sanded the floor, painted the fence and house. I'm still got my butt kicked because Hollywood lies.

   Angelina Jolie filing for divorce? Maybe I have a chance this time. Anyone have her number?

   Send me one more game request and I show up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked demanding a game of Twister...

   Happiness is when you see your ex dating someone you can draw with your left hand

   I don't think I can ever forgive the news media for reporting Angelina Jolie filing for divorce like its real news.

   Maybe the guy who switched from Verizon to Sprint can afford some braces for his bear trap now!

   I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'

   Coolio arrested at LAX after a loaded gun was found in a carry-on bag. But what else do you bring on holiday to a gangsta's paradise?

   My First Question In Hell: What do you mean there's no ketchup and no ice water?