Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."

   Men: If you want sex during "that time of the month," you will have to pull a few strings.

   Oh nothing, just standing next to my computer browsing Facebook on my phone.

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit.

   You know you're in the wrong part of town, when you start seeing pay phones...

   Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets.

   My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.

   I hope I never get Alzheimer's... I hate the thought of other people thinking that I should be remembering something that I'm not sure I would want to remember in the first place.

   When a woman says “What?” It's not because didn't hear you, she's just giving you a chance to change what you said!

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch your perfectly-positioned vents.