Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Bad news guys, candy corn doesn't count as a vegetable because technically corn is a grain.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wearing a football jersey to Buffalo Wild Wings is dad cosplay.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd rather lose the game than get Gatorade dumped on me.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best part of fall is dropping the gardening charade.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pretty proud of myself. Finished a TicTac without biting into it.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hi, this is your president, Donald Trump. I'm interrupting this program because I think it's a stupid show. It's terrible ok? You're fat by the way.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I met an alien I'd get him some Dippin' Dots because that would impress him with our planet's science, and also I just like them.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Occasionally drop a headband in the trash, hoping a raccoon will find it and try it on.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We bought this house because it has a perfect spot for the pile of clean socks.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know women like "bad boys" but this Build a Bear Workshop coupon is going to expire soon so that's where we are going on our first date.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OK .... You know your life is shallow if Chick - Fill - A is a major concern in your life
←Rate | 10-02-2016 03:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OK ...... Somebody wake up the guy from Green Day ..... September just ended .....
←Rate | 10-01-2016 22:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Post George Carlin quotes...crickets. Post Saget quotes...a ticker tape parade ensues.
←Rate | 10-01-2016 12:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
←Rate | 10-01-2016 12:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
←Rate | 10-01-2016 12:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Siri, what are the side effects of Marijuana?" I mumble into a Hershey's bar
←Rate | 10-01-2016 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home." -- Hillary Clinton, probably
←Rate | 10-01-2016 09:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What goes up must come down. Except for crawling underwear.
←Rate | 09-30-2016 07:05 Comments (0)  




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