Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2016 Olympics Events: Opening ceremonies-100m Brazilian Wax Free-Style-Zika Pole Vault-Let's Be Difficult And Speak Portuguese While Most other S American Countries Speak Spanish Decathlon-100m Butterfly and Mosquito Swim For Gold.

   My bank account has been hacked....The hacker felt so sorry for me, he sent me a message and has started a gofundme page......

   It's only a matter of time before the Pokemon Rehabs pop up everywhere.

   A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

   I hope someday to be described as that small, quiet man, who could be found regularly foraging for supplies in the liquor store/gas station.

   Beginning to think that all of these people giving pro tips aren't actually experts in their respective fields.

   A Perfect New Campaign Slogan: Make America Horny Again.

   The homeless shelter is a great place to meet people with a degree in "Street Smart".

   Death by school supplies shopping.

   A little bit about me, I'm a Capricorn and I was named after a horse thief that had troubles maintaining an erection.

   House arrest would be perfectly fine if you could choose the house.

   Out of all my hobbies, killing brain cells is probably my favorite one.

   Pretending to be nice is exhausting....

   I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.

   Going to see Suicide Squad. Hope nobody else is dressed like Harley Quinn because I will feel really stupid.

   The wrist Kris Jenner broke in a car crash hopefully isn't the one she uses for gold digging.

   Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?

   Eminem is trending which is a relief because a whole generation of kids now know Eminem is still alive.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   It's not me !! It's you. Why would you not have WIFI? Modern day relationships.