Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty proud of myself. Finished a TicTac without biting into it.

   Hi, this is your president, Donald Trump. I'm interrupting this program because I think it's a stupid show. It's terrible ok? You're fat by the way.

   If I met an alien I'd get him some Dippin' Dots because that would impress him with our planet's science, and also I just like them.

   Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

   Occasionally drop a headband in the trash, hoping a raccoon will find it and try it on.

   We bought this house because it has a perfect spot for the pile of clean socks.

   I know women like "bad boys" but this Build a Bear Workshop coupon is going to expire soon so that's where we are going on our first date.

   OK .... You know your life is shallow if Chick - Fill - A is a major concern in your life

   OK ...... Somebody wake up the guy from Green Day ..... September just ended .....

   Post George Carlin quotes...crickets. Post Saget quotes...a ticker tape parade ensues.

   My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

   Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Marijuana?" I mumble into a Hershey's bar

   "There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home." -- Hillary Clinton, probably

   What goes up must come down. Except for crawling underwear.

   The next time you think your job sucks image how the camera crew that follows around the Kardashians 24/7 must feel.

   Now when she say's "deplorable" does she mean like when her husband stuck a cigar in places it didn't belong? I'm just trying to set a precedent here...

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumble into the tv remote.

   Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I’ll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.