Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If a few years ago I'd have told a therapist I was having dreams that this election was happening I would've gotten some really good drugs.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 16:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Assume that anyone who is undecided at this point is trying to choose between Hillary and suicide.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 16:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One really positive thing about 2016 is that it has to end.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 16:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Stop blaming Millennials. This election has clearly proven that people of all generations are awful.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 16:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching documentaries on Netflix has actually taught me that there's no time to chill. Crazy stuff is going on out there.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 16:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss the '70s. The music. The clothes. The fact that I wasn't born yet.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A couple kisses and gropes in public and nobody bats an eye but let a mother breastfeed in public and all hell breaks loose. How did we get to this as a society?
←Rate | 10-02-2016 06:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If there is a god out there, it is his duty and responsibility to prove his existence to me. It's not a fellow human being's job.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 05:06 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 05:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Visiting my parents today. So, ask me anything about local news.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 05:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I crash my bike every time I ride it to the pharmacy to pick up pain meds I need for all the injuries from my crashes. It's a vicious cycle.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One time I used essential oils and after 7-10 days my cold was gone, it was incredible.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The year is 2027. Thousands of missing women are unable to be found because they look nothing like the pictures they post on the Internet.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bad news guys, candy corn doesn't count as a vegetable because technically corn is a grain.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wearing a football jersey to Buffalo Wild Wings is dad cosplay.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd rather lose the game than get Gatorade dumped on me.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best part of fall is dropping the gardening charade.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 04:47 Comments (0)  




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