Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   If you have to ask why I don't like you, you just answered your own question.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   My mom says you are what you eat. That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently. ;)

   I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.

   My day is not complete until I get someone to shake their head.

   My girlfriend loves it when I talk dirty to her during sex. I'm pissed off at her though, so tonight when we make love I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is.

   I just got diagnosed with a very rare disease. "The more I get older, the sexier and better looking I become". Don't worry, it's not contagious. There's no cure for it and it just gets worst everyday...

   If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.

   You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.

   Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

   When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell.

   I still think if people put "whats on their mind" and were honest... statistically the most popular status update would be "sex."

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.