Funny Status Messages
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[Juice Bar]...... (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass.... (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir"..... *hyenas laugh* 
Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.
The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable
Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....
Trump's 2nd season "Im a winner" will be airing on 2020.
"Donald Trump is the greatest!" I am Hillary Clinton and I approve this message.
The somke detector is not a timer...
Found out my father is voting for Hillary, which is strange since he died in 2004
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked
The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm.
Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’
I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.
Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.
My grandfather is voting for Hillary.I'd try to talk him out of it but he's been dead for a long time now....
So let me get this straight, the same people who are responsible for 9/11 are also responsible for 20% of Killary's campaign contributions. Anyone see an issue with this?
There's like nothing stopping any of us from booking a room at a Trump hotel and canceling 24 hours in advance.
If Hillary becomes president she will be the first F President. Oh, sorry. I was going to say female, but the "emale" got deleted.
Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..
Wikileaks just released El Chapo's Email too 