Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember years ago my wife would undress and her torso would look like the hottest thing ever. Nowadays when she undresses, her torso looks like Homer Simpson.

   everytime a news organisation asks either Trump himself or one of his children on any network, they always start with...Well Hillary did this...! GIVE US YOUR POLICIES MR TRUMP instead of shifting the blame.

   ... Just been watching Ladies Olympic Beach Volleyball and there has already been a wrist injury .... But I should be OK by Monday

   No Mom, It's not just a 'phase.' It's really who I am.....

   Always have very good instincts. For example, I can always tell when someone is throwing hot coffee on me.

   Olympics Fun Fact: Each athlete gets one "do over" per Olympics.

   Christian Rock Bands: Fooling me with their peppy intros since 1995.

   A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

   Weird how all the Olympians are really in shape.

   FYI the security at Target gets a little huffy if you bring your own custom-made cart.

   The "death tax" is obviously a big issue for non-millionaire people in Detroit who have no estate and also no safe drinking water.

   Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.

   If you try something new and you aren't immediately awesome at it, say it's stupid and never try it again.

   Watching swimming isn't really that exciting and you know it.

   Never trust people who try and trick you into eating healthy.

   My message in a bottle would simply say 'please fill with vodka' and include a return address.

   Video killed the radio star, and anime killed the Pornhub star, because circle of life.

   I'm a terrible human because I really can't stand to hear anyone hiccuping, coughing, sniffing or breathing....

   They need to bring back beatings in schools because I know a few people who need to go back and learn a lesson the hard way.

   In the GPS, I typed "comedy career" as my destination and it took me to the nearest CoinStar.