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Jesus would have been a great musical act on a cruise ship because Jesus rocks on water.
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08-12-2016 02:00
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Which shoes go better with this top and also hide the fact that my kids ate cereal for dinner last night?
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08-12-2016 01:59
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McDonalds serves breakfast all day now but apparently if you want McNuggets wrapped in a pancake like a taco, you have to do it yourself.
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08-12-2016 01:58
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It's ironic how the sheer number of "customer loyalty" cards in my wallet and glovebox show I'm actually the most promiscuous customer ever.
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08-12-2016 01:57
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Go to bed. Go directly to bed. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
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08-12-2016 01:56
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Honestly tho.... 63% of my day is spent inconspicuously making sure I'm not wearing any articles of clothing inside out or backwards.
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08-12-2016 01:56
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My 5 year old is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.
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08-12-2016 01:55
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One time I listened to my kid tell an entire story without looking at my phone.
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08-12-2016 01:54
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Nothing like needing a toothpick to remind you that you are past your prime.
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08-12-2016 01:53
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Family vacations are 80% just yanking your kids around and saying, "Let's get your picture by this thing."
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08-12-2016 01:53
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Nothing knocks the ego down a notch like buying beer and seeing the words "age visually verified" on the receipt.
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08-12-2016 01:52
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Just ironed a crease in these basketball shorts so I can wear them for Casual Friday.
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08-12-2016 01:51
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What bugs me most about young kids is their disrespect for pasta. Those necklaces or that artwork might've been delicious. We'll never know.
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08-12-2016 01:50
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Nothing more disappointing than pizza crust so crunchy you split your tooth....
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08-12-2016 01:40
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9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.
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08-11-2016 18:39 by
Snotty
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Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.
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08-11-2016 18:34 by
Snotty
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Never rob a bank with a vegan... They will tell everyone.
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08-11-2016 18:30 by
Snotty
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If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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08-11-2016 18:22 by
Snotty
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10 Ways to Put Me in a Better Mood... 1: Get... 2: Your... 3: Slow-ass... 4: Car... 5: Out... 6: Of... 7: The... 8: Frigging... 9: Left... 10: Lane
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08-11-2016 18:16 by
Snotty
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f I ever invented time travel, I'd probably just keep going back to that time I got 7 chicken nuggets instead of 6.
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08-11-2016 18:04 by
Snotty
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