Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a new coffee at Starbucks.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 11:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What's the appropriate snack for watching the series finale of America? Heck, it did have a good 240 year run.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 04:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Siri, how much would I weigh if I had one of those machines from Star Trek that made food appear out of thin air?
←Rate | 10-12-2016 01:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hello darkness my old friend, shall we spoon?
←Rate | 10-12-2016 01:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember when Saturday morning TV was all great cartoons? Now it's just porn. That might just be my TV, tho.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 01:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's only Wednesday morning and I've already had to have the "You will not become the bird lady from Mary Poppins" talk in the mirror.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 01:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Spends 2 hours rescuing a baby squirrel during a hurricane but is always too tired to make her own burritos.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 01:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to reincarnated as a seagull that flies around theme parks, stealing churros that are absentmindedly being held by toddlers.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 01:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only reason I haven't taken a rifle up into a clock tower is the stairs.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 01:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 01:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If loving the mole people and helping them enslave humanity is wrong I don't wanna be right.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 00:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I'm at a club and the DJ says "Raise the Roof!" I'm always like "no thanks!" I came here to dance not to do carpentry.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 00:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Instead of using someone's name for hurricanes, we should use safe identifiers, like Hurricane Apteryx, Calculus, Oatmeal, or Centipede.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 00:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You made me think of "Hotel California," prepare to die.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 00:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bouncing happily through life on a pogo stick made of delusion.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 00:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In the 16th century guys named Gaylord were the toughest son's of b**ches around.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 00:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Good luck listening to 80's music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 00:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was a creepy clown before it was wrong and considered illegal.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 00:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OK .... Since the latest Leaks and emails surfacing are proving the facts to be true ..... Perhaps it's time to watch the movie "Clinton Cash" on YooToob to see what kind of person you are really voting for.
←Rate | 10-12-2016 00:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump: Don't judge me on the man I was 10 years ago. But please judge Hillary on the man her husband was 20 years ago.
←Rate | 10-11-2016 23:55 Comments (2)  




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