Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Recently learned that it's impossible to make eye contact with a hotel maid while giving her used hand towels.

   "That's the spirit!" she said, picking her poltergeist out of a police lineup.

   Question: What part of this $7.50 Walmart t-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?

   Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him.

   Perhaps next year's Columbus Day sales would be a 24-hour shoplifting spree.

   Don't let the door hit your 'Man Bun' on the way out.

   There is always a black woman on the bus having a loud argument on the phone.

   Seven billion other people on the planet. Congrats on yet another day without having your genitals collide with any of em.

   A week of Conservative attacks against Bill Clinton's character and sexual indiscretions has me convinced Bill Clinton won't win this election.

   Just ordered "coffee" off the Starbucks secret menu.

   Just sprayed "Sheer White Cotton" air freshener in the bathroom. Now, it smells like sheet.

   1) You'll get mauled. 2) You'll get gored. 3) You'll get eaten. The “reasons” why you can’t have a bear, a bison, or a wolf.

   Hey Moms and Dads! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"

   I put the 'sexy' in Dyslexic.

   Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.

   Did you know that some tickle fights result in someone peeing their pants and someone's corpse being dumped in a ditch.

   Doesn't matter who the public votes for president, it's up to the electoral college! get over it people

   Wheelchair, the adult's version of a stroller

   Hillary says she takes national security very serious. So how the hell did wikileaks get those classified emails then?

   I wish most of you SOBs would go find a political blog somewhere else to post your do-do