Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DonaldTrump is doing one mean Alec Baldwin impression tonight.

   I don't know if we should give a man, or woman, who can't understand a two minute time limit the office of president. Even the brand new fry cook at McDonald's can figure out the timer.

   "When we went to Mexico, he didn't even bring up the "wall" he choked!" -Hillary

   Are they acting like a real debate?....TeamTrump having a slow start

   I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.

   I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.

   I was going to dress as an evil witch for halloween but I didn't want to be mistaken as Hillary

   Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.

   How long can I stay in a voting booth and scream "I'M STILL THINKING!!!!" before I'm physically removed? Let me know by November.

   Everyone is wondering which White House room Melania Trump plans to turn into a brazilian wax studio.

   What this country needs is more gum control. I'm getting pretty damn tired of sticky wads getting stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

   Props to Jon Bon Jovi for continuing to keep up with the hairstyles of women his age.

   Only been awake for 10 minutes and I'm already missing my fun dream friends.

   Every story about edible weed: 1) Not high. 2) Not high. 3) Still not high. 4) Not high. 5) Please drive me to the emergency room.

   Nice try, generic Cap'n Crunch, but the roof of my mouth isn't bleeding....

   It's pronounced PokeMON. Not PokeMAN, grandpa. You've completely ruined this baptism.

   Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.

   The early bird gets the worm some coffee because he's nice.

   I'll remember which side my gas tank is on when I'm dead.

   Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!