Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1117 of 6383
Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks of office, not sure when is the right time to ask if aliens are real?
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08-16-2016 20:46 by snotty
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.... Hillary Clinton just announced that her plan to solve the American Fiscal Crisis is to put ALL of the American Debt on a private server then deleting it.
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08-16-2016 17:47
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The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you're hungry.
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08-16-2016 15:55
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We just opened a second bottle of homemade limoncello. See you in 3-6 weeks.
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08-16-2016 15:54
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Just took the "What Dungeons and Dragons Character Are You" quiz and I am a dungeon.
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08-16-2016 15:52
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Today's Assignment: Under a Facebook picture posted by someone you know with a new husband/wife ask, "What happened to [name of ex-husband/ex-wife]?"
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08-16-2016 15:47
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How long after shaking my money-maker should I expect a check?
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08-16-2016 15:45
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Immigrants can either take Trump's "purity" test, or have the fastest time in the American Ninja obstacle course.
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08-16-2016 15:43
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The Monopoly piece you choose will tell me all I need to know.
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08-16-2016 15:41
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If you ever touch anything in a public bathroom, DO NOT worry, you'll be dead by the time you realize it.
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08-16-2016 15:41
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Science Fun Fact: Everyone at the Scopes monkey trial had very minty breath.
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08-16-2016 15:39
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Bet the dinosaurs ate chicken nuggets shaped like humans.
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08-16-2016 15:38
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Guy in the restroom called me "pretty" and the best comeback I could think of was "yeah you too."
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08-16-2016 15:35
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Not now, weird Joan Armitrading song on my iPod.
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08-16-2016 15:33
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Love to collect call people randomly, just to remind them that that is somehow still a thing.
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08-16-2016 15:32
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Milk chocolate and dark chocolate is the difference between happy and sad.
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08-16-2016 15:31
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I'm surprised the man in the yellow hat still allows that monkey to ever leave the house.
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08-16-2016 15:28
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When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills
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08-16-2016 12:58
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They should make daytime TV illegal. That way the lazy lib club will have nothing to do and may decide to actually get a job.
My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.
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08-15-2016 23:47
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