Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..

   "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

   How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!

   One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.

   Try to repeal the19th amendment and we'll pass the 28th amendment where you have to eat all our pussies before you can buy beer.

   Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

   "If everyone can stop stepping on this, I will take it home, rinse and eat it!," I yell as I try to gather the rice thrown at a wedding.

   She's Like the Wind is my favorite romantic ballad about a beautiful young girl who farts a lot.

   "Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like "Which children's toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?"

   Show me a kid's reaction to the kissing part of a movie and I'll tell you what time his or her curfew should be.

   In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.

   If you’re in the woods this weekend and see a large man wearing a hockey mask don’t assume he’s a Wayne Gretzky fan.

   Just saw a sign in the bathroom that said "Wash Hands Before Returning to Work"....luckily I don't go back to work until next week!

   Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.

   All I know about love I've learned from my dogs, which is when someone scratches your back you should roll over and show them your nipples.

   Leftover spaghetti is why someone invented Tupperware. No one looks cool trying to put spaghetti in a ziplock bag.

   It took four years for Lil' Susie to be Runaround Sue, four more to be Lazy Susan, never was Susie HomeMaker, and Johnny Cash made her a boy.

   When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.

   My homemade cookies taste so much better when I remember to take the bakery price tag off.