Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.

   For Halloween I'm wearing a big mirror on the lower half of my body and going as when you accidentally open your front-facing camera.

   Got a notice from the HOA that I didn't post a pic of my kid at a pumpkin patch.

   I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

   They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

   Does anybody out there know the Google Map Satellite image co-ordinates of any Nudist Colonies?

   HA ... The Government says that 93 Million people are out of work but yet say that Unemployment is only at 5% ..... The total population of the US is 325 Million so I guess they're using Common Core Math to arrive at that result.

   What I learned in high school: If you lose the game, don't dump Gatorade on the coach's head.

   Wait, I'm confused. Is Pete Burns Dead or Alive? (Too soon?)

   What's that electral dysfunction commercial that says "Call a doctor if you have a painful election lasting more than four hours"?...who do you call if it lasts a whole year? Oh wait it wasn't an election...oops never mind ;)

   So broke this year that i'm having a Thanksgiving Chicken instead...

   This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like's your idea"

   I say let the liberals have all the abortions, free birth control, and gay marriages they want. If they don't repoduce they will soon cease to exist.

   Hillary doesn't suck, it's all those people who support her that suck!

   Does anybody out there know the co-ordinates of all of the Nudist Colonies on earth? Or at least a few?

   I have six locks installed on my door all in a row so that when I go out, I lock every other one. That way I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   Apparently something has seriously gone wrong with my financial goals ... Evidently I am now on some kind of get rich slow scheme.

   I wonder if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

   I used to roll out of bed asleep a lot until I found Viagra

   Meh,,, I guess I'm not against Hillary Clinton taking a drug test?... I'm MORE concerned about the GOP taking a drug test for allowing Donald Trump to be the nominee.