Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1117 of 6446

One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
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10-15-2016 05:10
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Try to repeal the19th amendment and we'll pass the 28th amendment where you have to eat all our pussies before you can buy beer.
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10-15-2016 05:08
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Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
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10-15-2016 05:07
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"If everyone can stop stepping on this, I will take it home, rinse and eat it!," I yell as I try to gather the rice thrown at a wedding.
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10-15-2016 05:06
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She's Like the Wind is my favorite romantic ballad about a beautiful young girl who farts a lot.
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10-15-2016 05:04
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"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"
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10-15-2016 05:03
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Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like "Which children's toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?"
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10-15-2016 05:02
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Show me a kid's reaction to the kissing part of a movie and I'll tell you what time his or her curfew should be.
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10-15-2016 05:02
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In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.
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10-15-2016 05:01
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If you’re in the woods this weekend and see a large man wearing a hockey mask don’t assume he’s a Wayne Gretzky fan.
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10-15-2016 05:00
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Just saw a sign in the bathroom that said "Wash Hands Before Returning to Work"....luckily I don't go back to work until next week!
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10-15-2016 04:59
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Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.
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10-15-2016 04:58
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All I know about love I've learned from my dogs, which is when someone scratches your back you should roll over and show them your nipples.
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10-15-2016 04:57
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Leftover spaghetti is why someone invented Tupperware. No one looks cool trying to put spaghetti in a ziplock bag.
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10-15-2016 04:56
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It took four years for Lil' Susie to be Runaround Sue, four more to be Lazy Susan, never was Susie HomeMaker, and Johnny Cash made her a boy.
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10-15-2016 04:56
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When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.
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10-15-2016 04:54
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My homemade cookies taste so much better when I remember to take the bakery price tag off.
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10-15-2016 04:54
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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10-15-2016 04:53
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Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.
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10-15-2016 04:52
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Grandma was a loyal Republican until she died. Ever since then she has voted Democrat.
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10-15-2016 02:21
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