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What this country needs is more gum control. I'm getting pretty damn tired of sticky wads getting stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
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10-19-2016 06:07
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Props to Jon Bon Jovi for continuing to keep up with the hairstyles of women his age.
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10-19-2016 06:05
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Only been awake for 10 minutes and I'm already missing my fun dream friends.
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10-19-2016 06:03
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Every story about edible weed: 1) Not high. 2) Not high. 3) Still not high. 4) Not high. 5) Please drive me to the emergency room.
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10-19-2016 06:02
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Nice try, generic Cap'n Crunch, but the roof of my mouth isn't bleeding....
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10-19-2016 05:59
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It's pronounced PokeMON. Not PokeMAN, grandpa. You've completely ruined this baptism.
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10-19-2016 05:58
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Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.
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10-19-2016 05:57
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The early bird gets the worm some coffee because he's nice.
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10-19-2016 05:56
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I'll remember which side my gas tank is on when I'm dead.
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10-19-2016 05:55
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Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!
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10-19-2016 05:54
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Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.
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10-19-2016 05:52
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Call your man "Boyoncé" today so he feels empowered.
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10-19-2016 05:52
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If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.
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10-19-2016 05:51
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When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.
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10-19-2016 05:49
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Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
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10-19-2016 05:48
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I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
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10-19-2016 05:48
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Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.
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10-18-2016 20:04
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My girlfriend and I went looking at rings the other day. I decided on the onion cut. She was not amused.
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10-18-2016 17:17
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During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.
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10-18-2016 16:08
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Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??
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10-18-2016 12:06
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