Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon What this country needs is more gum control. I'm getting pretty damn tired of sticky wads getting stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 06:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Props to Jon Bon Jovi for continuing to keep up with the hairstyles of women his age.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 06:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only been awake for 10 minutes and I'm already missing my fun dream friends.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every story about edible weed: 1) Not high. 2) Not high. 3) Still not high. 4) Not high. 5) Please drive me to the emergency room.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nice try, generic Cap'n Crunch, but the roof of my mouth isn't bleeding....
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's pronounced PokeMON. Not PokeMAN, grandpa. You've completely ruined this baptism.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:57 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The early bird gets the worm some coffee because he's nice.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll remember which side my gas tank is on when I'm dead.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:55 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Call your man "BoyoncĂ©" today so he feels empowered.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.
←Rate | 10-18-2016 20:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend and I went looking at rings the other day. I decided on the onion cut. She was not amused.
←Rate | 10-18-2016 17:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.
←Rate | 10-18-2016 16:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??
←Rate | 10-18-2016 12:06 Comments (0)  




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