Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't just light a pumpkin spice candle in August you psycho.

   Love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.

   Good thing about electing Hilary is that when she screws up, people will say it could have been worse if we had elected Trump.

   What will the next Democrat prez do to end poverty? Same all the rest did; nothing...

   'Pokemon Go brought me here' walks into church....finds Jesus instead......

   My supervillain origin story is just someone knocking over my plate of super nachos.

   A woman drove me to drinking.. I wish she'd had left me her number, now I need a ride home.

   Eating candy wafers prepare children for eating Tums when they get older.

   I've been calling him Drape this whole time. Now I hear the k. Drake. Got it. Not Drape.

   Found a pin that said "WWJD?" in my hotel room. I'm having a dilemma because I'm pretty sure cocaine and strippers isn't the answer.

   Just accidentally kicked myself in the balls trying to get comfortable on the couch in case you're looking for a life coach.

   If the cops show up, I've been here since noon and this is just ketchup on my shirt. Cool?

   New Neighborhood Game: Passively aggressively cut your lawn two inches shorter than your neighbors until you reach dirt.

   If my house could talk it would assume I own stock in Ramen Noodles.

   My drunk Uncle Jerry was runner up for Trump's new campaign manager.

   “Lunch is on me!” -Guy who just threw up on himself

   It’s not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can’t see my naked body.

   Probably the coolest thing about this new Steven Seagal blow up doll is the ego inside inflates itself.

   Spilled syrup on my Polo this morning. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today.

   Running late today cuz there was a rare Pokemon 17 miles south of where I needed to be.