Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please, Hillary. Please drop the fock ded.

   Brace yourselves it's Harley Quinn weekend!

   Its OK that you are voting for Hillary. In fact when Trump wins, you retards will get much better medical treatment.

   If Hillary wins the White House, I'm moving to a country that will be considerably more safe: Yemen.

   Fun fact: orange amoebas have small minds, small hands and no gentalia.

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember...you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone is the best Halloween party idea ever!!!

   The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.

   Italian bread is just like regular bread but it's gold chain gets stuck in its chest hair while it blows out your kneecaps.

   Candy corn is just regular corn that has daddy issues, smokes Marlboros, and has a kid out of wedlock with a guy named Bo.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone in the best Hallowen party idea ever!!!

   Shazam but for strangers who recognize you in public.

   We broke free from England to elect a sociopathic reality star or a compulsively lying epitome of PMS for President. Bang up job, America.

   Do they make Three Martini Lunchables?

   Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

   FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.

   Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.

   Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.

   Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.