Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Considering a Kickstarter campaign to gather the capital needed to start my line of heavy metal sandwich shops: Pantera Bread.

   All the founding members of the band "Survivor" are still alive. It's a pride thing.

   No thanks, sweatshirts without hoods. I have enough problems already.

   Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.

   Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."

   Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

   For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.

   So what if the white man stole our land. Thousands of them die each year from our tobacco and we steal their money at our casinos........

   OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.

   Which part of this $5.99 Walmart t-shirt makes you wonder if I would like to see the wine list?

   Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.

   Last night My wife asked me to take her breath away, so I hid her inhaler

   Last night a jet flew so close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down

   "If Hillary had balls, I would lick them.mmm yummy" - Anderson Cooper

   Ladies, if you want a man you loves you for your brains and not your body, then date a zombie.

   October is the month you affirm your socioeconomic status by going to a dirty farm.

   Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?

   Do these corduroys make me look like I have the Felicity DVD box set?

   Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

   Everyone has that one friend who goes on and on about how good roasted pumpkin seeds are. You know, the liar friend.