Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1106 of 6384
You're an adult. Stop hashtagging full sentences on Facebook.
←Rate |
08-28-2016 01:24
Comments (0)
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
←Rate |
08-28-2016 01:23
Comments (0)
Ryan Lochte = The Real Swim Shady
←Rate |
08-28-2016 00:54
Comments (0)
I have NO idea who James Corden is, but I would'nt drive with him.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 15:26
Comments (0)
Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:47
Comments (0)
Rule #35 Of Cleaning A Fridge: Even if you didn't buy broccoli two months ago, there is two-month-old broccoli in the back.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:44
Comments (0)
Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:43
Comments (0)
If I was in a car with James Corden and he turned on the radio, I would open the door and get out while the car was still moving.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:42
Comments (0)
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:41
Comments (0)
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:40
Comments (0)
When my first instinct was to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a squirrel, I realized I might not be part of God's elite squad.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:39
Comments (0)
Don't get in a relationship with someone before knowing what voices they use around babies and pets.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:38
Comments (0)
Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:37
Comments (0)
Always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:36
Comments (0)
Sorry I'm late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:35
Comments (0)
Before social media, what did people who desperately crave attention do? Did they have to contribute something of importance to humankind?
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:33
Comments (0)
Probably cure 60% of depressed teens just by showing them pics of what the cool kids I went to school with look like now.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:32
Comments (0)
If anyone makes a movie of this Ryan Lochte story, please call it Double Jeahpardy.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:31
Comments (0)
It's only once you're a little older and wiser that you realize the "one that got away" was a jean jacket you left at a guy's house in 2003.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:30
Comments (0)
The plants outside of your office are plotting to rescue the plants inside your office. Their plan just takes 1000 years.
←Rate |
08-27-2016 14:28
Comments (0)