Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've only drank once since I quit drinking an hour ago

   Polls are good for three things, skiing, fishing and strippers.

   With this election it is easier to scream at the enemy than it is to own your embarrassment

   voting this year is like picking out what STD do you want!!!!!!! you know is going to burn!

   This year, they should give out Xanax with the 'I voted' sticker.

   R.I.P. Janet Reno. But at least she'll still be voting for Hillary.

   If Hillary wins, all public government announcements will begin with: Ladies, Gentlemen and Trannies....

   No, she is a good woman. However, I don't agree with everything Hillary Clinton stands for or everything she says. Not everything... Not me personally no. -Janet Reno

   NASA reports surging applications for astronaut training programs proves trending interest in space exploration. That or maybe more interest in leaving the planet after this lame election...

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   We all knew the first woman president would have to crawl through hell to get there. This is just what hell looks like.

   I really hope Hillary starts her acceptance speech with "AM I SMILING ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW?"

   The bouncers at all the bars in my town call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone..

   Due to the election I may start a moving co.

   As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

   True story: I met an Asian baby named Gary this morning, if any of you needed a pick-me-up.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.

   You'd be surprised how much stolen Halloween candy you can fit in your mouth when you hear your kid coming.

   It's about time men started winning Woman of the Year awards. This inequality has gone on long enough.

   Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.