Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1105 of 6452

If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.
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11-03-2016 14:44 by snotty
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I wanted the Cubs to win, only because they are from Chicago and its amazing they made it that far in the season without a single player getting shot.

My mind reels at the changes that will happen in the next 108 years before the Cubs' next World Series.
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11-03-2016 10:14
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Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

the choice for presidential candidate boils down to one who is weak with e-mails and the other who is weak with females!
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11-03-2016 09:52
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Two yrs ago I weighed 251lbs. Today I weigh 250 1/2 lbs. SO YES! Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.
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11-03-2016 09:27
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I think you're giving hillary a lot of credit calling her a "trailer park". She's a tent site, at best.
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11-03-2016 07:46
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clerk: Do you like dinosaurs? me: Yeah! clerk: me *realizes she was talking to my son who's wearing a dinosaur shirt and hat*
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11-03-2016 06:06
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Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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11-03-2016 06:04
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I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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11-03-2016 06:02 by flinnie
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It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.

Day one of my waffle cleanse

I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.
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11-03-2016 05:51 by huck
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Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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11-03-2016 05:45 by flinnie
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We finally have a story to tell OUR grandchildren, "I was alive the LAST time the Cubs won the world series!"
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11-03-2016 04:19 by Timmy
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I've reached that Stage in Life that when a Woman whispers seductively to me to, "Give it to Her" ....................................... she means my Credit Card
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11-02-2016 20:55
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Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.
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11-02-2016 20:53
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Well I ran out of Halloween Candy really early so I just Shut Off all the Lights and Hid .................. Screw the Ships, my Lighthouse, my Rules!
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11-02-2016 20:53
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Just got a email from a Friend Regarding Saturday Night's Halloween Party .................. "Just because you Dressed up as a Brontosaurus doesn't Mean you can Poop in my Yard and Roar at my Neighbors!"
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11-02-2016 20:53
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