Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Candy corn is just regular corn that has daddy issues, smokes Marlboros, and has a kid out of wedlock with a guy named Bo.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone in the best Hallowen party idea ever!!!
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shazam but for strangers who recognize you in public.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We broke free from England to elect a sociopathic reality star or a compulsively lying epitome of PMS for President. Bang up job, America.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do they make Three Martini Lunchables?
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 93% of the internet is people noticing things in the background of photos.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Considering a Kickstarter campaign to gather the capital needed to start my line of heavy metal sandwich shops: Pantera Bread.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All the founding members of the band "Survivor" are still alive. It's a pride thing.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No thanks, sweatshirts without hoods. I have enough problems already.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So what if the white man stole our land. Thousands of them die each year from our tobacco and we steal their money at our casinos........
←Rate | 10-28-2016 01:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.
←Rate | 10-27-2016 23:00 Comments (0)  




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