Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do they make Three Martini Lunchables?

   Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

   FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.

   Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.

   Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.

   Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.

   93% of the internet is people noticing things in the background of photos.

   Considering a Kickstarter campaign to gather the capital needed to start my line of heavy metal sandwich shops: Pantera Bread.

   All the founding members of the band "Survivor" are still alive. It's a pride thing.

   No thanks, sweatshirts without hoods. I have enough problems already.

   Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.

   Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."

   Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

   For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.

   So what if the white man stole our land. Thousands of them die each year from our tobacco and we steal their money at our casinos........

   OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.

   Which part of this $5.99 Walmart t-shirt makes you wonder if I would like to see the wine list?

   Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.

   Last night My wife asked me to take her breath away, so I hid her inhaler

   Last night a jet flew so close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down