andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   So disappointed that Hello Kitty isn't a cat. This must be how Snoop Dogg felt when he met Emily Blunt

   Go shawty, I forgot your birthday. It's only thanks to Facebook that I know it's your birthday.

   Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

   I bet it was hard for Andre the Giant's little brother, Wayne the Somewhat Beefy in the Legs but Still Generally Average Sized Person.

   I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

   Wish this guy on the bus would take a Smellfie! Smellfie: Quickly taking a whiff of your own pits to see if you stink:

   I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

   For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid

   With the NFL starting this week, as a Redskins fan I have this feeling of impending doom.

   Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

   If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

   Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.

   "Figuratively ain't no sunshine but the actual sun continues to warm Earth when she's gooone" -Bill Withers, concerned about starting panic

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them

   New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.

   Seems like my body should have better things to do than make ear hair.

   My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.

   Hey girl, are you an angel? Because your hair's in my pasta. I'd like to speak to the manager.

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."