StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   It's hilarious when textbooks try too hard at being racially diverse. "Brad, Latisha, Pablo and Kwan were doing a math problem..."

   I prefer products that say virgin on it, like extra virgin olive oil, cause I don't want to buy a slutty oil made from slut olives.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flinstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard

   I love how people b*tch on h3re about stealing a stat from a webs!te or a person. Like, WTF are you doing on T Js anyway? I'm pretty sure your h3re to steal a stat.

   Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.

   I'm sorry for doing a slow clap after you told me your boyfriend broke up with you

   I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let's do this!

   With so many girls pregnant at school, condoms should be on the supply list.

   Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?

   I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

   So Rihanna is in a new movie playing an assassin.. If anyone knows something about being a hit woman, it's Rihanna.

   Slept over at a kids house once in third grade. Saw him pour milk into bowl first, then cereal. Never talked to him again. He's in jail now

   I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

   I heard it's pretty hard to get a medical marijuana card. I'll be right back, I'm gonna go jump off my roof!

   Being a slut won't solve your problems, it might solve mine, but it won't solve yours.

   McDonald's Management Rule #23: "The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times."

   Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.