KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.

   Forget about sexy, I am bringing good manners back!

   Girl Logic: I'd like him a lot more if he ignored and liked me a little less.

   Masturbation is like math. You can always count on your fingers.

   I went on Twitter this week. Don't worry, they are not getting any sex there either.

   You seem insecure. Let's go out for drinks.

   I promise, I'm only gonna have 2 beers tonight.... 2 beers in dog beers

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

   Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?

   No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".

   it like illegal to make a movie scene where the people runaway from a bomb when there's more than 30 seconds left for the explosion?

   There is a 100% chance I will never be depressed again if I could get myself a pet Panda.

   I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and wierd. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.

   I've just turned a mortgage payment into wine. Your move, Jesus.

   Having a p enis doesn't make you a man. Getting mad at some Ikea wood pieces after not reading the instructions makes you a real man.

   Quick! Marry me, I'll explain later.

   My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.

   I make PMS jokes around women all the time just to know what it feels like to live dangerously.

   While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out doing someone else for real.

   I never bring a knife to a fight. I bring my brain. It's much sharper.