Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a parent 40% of your time raising a teenager is threatening to take their bedroom door off the hinges....

   Trump promises to give generals 30 days to create a plan to defeat ISIS. He also wants them to create a perfume and shoot the ads or they'll be fired.

   Ann Coulter called "c*nt" 19 times during the 2 hour Comedy Central roast. Less than she's used to over a 2 hour period, but still a lot.

   Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston split. What?!?! No one saw this coming except her label which began cover art for her new album the night they kissed.

   Matt Lauer got his journalism degree in a Bazooka Joe comic.

   Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.

   Roger Ailes is offering to sleep with all Female Trump supporters to raise money for charity.

   Gave this girl my number and now she won't stop texting me. "Your table is ready. Please check in with the host." Geez....give me some space.

   Not do be outdone by the iPhone 7, Samsung announced today that their new phone will have a slightly less exploding battery.

   Cut Gary Johnson some slack. Donald Trump thought Aleppo was one of the Marx Brothers.

   Did you know, The White House was almost the Mauve House if not for a mix up at Sherwin-Williams.

   Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.

   "We are closer now to WW3 than we have ever been before" That was a news headline. Obviously we are closer now, thats how time works.

   Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.

   There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over

   Stop petting my peeves!

   If Hillary wins it means way too many illegal mexicans are voting

   Ive been using the same tube of mascara for longer than Brock Turner was in jail.

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   ..... OK .... Listen up boys and girls ..... If Hillary Clinton can claim to not remember how to identify a classified document ...... How can she claim to have never sent or received one? ..... Any Plausible Answers?