Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

   Ran into a #PETA nut while walking my dog. He said my dog was my slave. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying the poop in a bag?

   Who did you vote for?☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Vodka

   #Life tip: if someone comes out of a #bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.

   Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan

   FUN FACT: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)

   Hillary and Trump are in a boat and it sinks. Who survives? I'd say Hillary. According to Bill, she never goes down.

   So, Trump tells us to stop harrassing minorities, yesterday, on 60 Minutes. His wish is my command.

   I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.

   "Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

   How much of your pants are you allowed to fold up before you're mistaken for a fisherman?

   it ok to put up a festivus pole before the 1st of December ?

   What kind of Leader says and does nothing about Nation Wide Riots?

   Safety pins are for diapers, full of crap

   .... After eight years ... At least with a new President Comedians will finally be allowed to joke about the president once again.

   Safety pins are for Babies.

   Good Lord .... I find it ironic that the people are claiming that Trump will destroy America ..... While they go out and destroy America.

   Martin L King ... Looted nothing, Burned nothing, Attacked .... NO ONE ....... Yet ... CHANGED THE WORLD. Time for people to wake up ..... It's the mind ... Not the emotions that holds the power.

   After a Nation Wide Survey we have determined that there were actually 3% more Cleveland Indian fans than Cubs fans. We hereby demand that the Chicago Cubs relinquish their World Series Title!!! ..... Said no sane person ever.

   The Cubs are not my World Series Champions!!!! Protest and Boycott the unfair World Series!!