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Accidentally took 2 sleeping pills instead of 1 so someone please record the presidential inauguration for me.
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09-10-2016 06:18
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Never question my career choices more than when I'm on a large conference call with people who don't know when to mute their phone.
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09-10-2016 06:17
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Stupid dog keeps eating the cat food but I don't have the heart to tell her it's not actually made out of cats.
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09-10-2016 06:15
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The wife of a friend of mine just had their baby in the hospital parking lot in case you're looking for money saving tips.
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09-10-2016 06:13
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My daughter just made her Jr High volleyball team. If these moms are anything like the cheer moms I'm going to need more roofies.
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09-10-2016 06:12
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Wish I could hate eating dinner as much as I hate cooking dinner.
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09-10-2016 06:11
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My kid is getting bottom braces on today and said I should give her $80 to make up for the pain. She'll make a great attorney someday.
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09-10-2016 06:09
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So I guess Wells Fargo bank is hiring in case you need a job and don't hate your life enough already.
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09-10-2016 06:08
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I ordered 2 venti coffees from Starbucks for myself tonight so now I'm the new face of addiction.
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09-10-2016 06:06
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I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my "like" on Facebook you better bring it.
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09-10-2016 06:05
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Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.
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09-10-2016 06:03
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Really hate crime but I love true crime docs so I'm at a real impasse here.
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09-10-2016 06:03
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My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.
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09-10-2016 06:02
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ITT Tech shutting down, which is a bad sign for other fake schools like University of Phoenix, Devry University, or Texas A&M.
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09-09-2016 16:05
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High School In 5 Words: Wore helmet. Didn't play football.
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09-09-2016 16:02
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You don't have to brush your teeth nearly as often when you're in a long distance relationship.
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09-09-2016 15:58
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I feel bad for whichever government employee has to monitor me, as me vacuuming alone looks like a movie directed by David Lynch.
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09-09-2016 15:57
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Nordstrom is a Swedish word that means “1 for the price of 2.”
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09-09-2016 15:56
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If Matt Lauer asks Tim Tebow about Aleppo it could break the internet.
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09-09-2016 15:55
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Pokemon Go is coming to the new Apple Watch, which should double the speed at which I no longer care about either.
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09-09-2016 15:54
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