Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Someone prank call me, I'm bored.

   I always wonder when somebody post "gym time" on their wall and people actually like it... does this mean people know you are fat and they "like" that you're finally doing something about it?

   I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.

   Yield signs should just be a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders.

   Car dealerships: it doesn't matter how many balloons you put on the cars, I'm not going to randomly decide to pull in and buy one.

   If you're lucky enough to still have a dad the best Father's Day gift would be to call the guy and ask his advice about something. Anything.

   We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   Someone broke into my house the other day while I was at work. I think they got kind of plssed when they didn't find anything worth stealing because they left my place an awful mess.

   One of the great things about looking so good is that I never have to explain why you should f*ck me.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   I was chillin' with my buddy and his wife walked in and said, "Happy Father's Day! You're so much more than the guy who used to buy dollar store condoms."

   Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.