Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

   It's VERY magnanimous of Donald Trump to only take $1 in Presidential salary,, $1 seems Very small,, until you realize that's it's still more than he paid in taxes

   American Apparel is filing for bankruptcy again... The good news is that they're only a couple more bankruptcies away from running for President.

   Joss Weadon is calling for the @ssassination of President Elect Trump ... Hope he realized he just commited a felony offense which is a Class E felony under United States Code Title 18, Section 871.

   Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.

   Hilarious how both Republicans and Democrats think they do now wrong when both sides are equally as evil...end the 2 party system and America will be great again

   Kids today have it so easy. When I was a teenager it was almost impossible to find pictures of the First Lady naked on the internet.

   Here's a thought: Let's let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.

   I used to have this device to help me find wild mushrooms but I misplaced it. You might say I lost my morel compass.

   Friendly Reminder: a woman that hits a man is not a woman, she's a grown up child.

   I would eat more tofu if it was an animal.

   About 500 thousand astrologers in India and none of them predicted that the notes will be changed

   Before the election I was getting a dozen political calls a day. Now nothing. I feel so lonely.

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   That moment when you realize that the people you regarded as gods .... turn out to be nothing more than corrupt men.

   The reason Hillary supporters didn't watch the first Trump TV interview, is that they're so slow, it'd take them two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

   I'd give five bucks to hear First lady Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel".

   Just saw a bumper sticker saying, "My Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" I may not be worldly, but I have never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.