Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   If their called smart phones, why is it that only idiots use them?

   I used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order.

   You are too blessed to be stressed, depressed or dealing with mess. Never suppress your success, instead profess your progress. Then sit back and let the HATERS obsess to excess over what you possess...more or less. And now I digress.

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.

   Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.

   You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.

   "You jam yourself inside me, tie me up and cover me in filth only to toss me aside when you're through with me." - My sneakers

   Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!"

   Well... this work isn't going to stare at itself...

   You'd be surprised at all of the "that's what she said" jokes you can make if you watch 5 minutes of a little kids show.

   If you ever think your invention idea is stupid and won't make money, simply remember how many people bought a Snuggie.

   Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.

   Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.