Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

   When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

   Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, fattening or too expensive.

   It's Shark Week. Sharks kill an average of 5 people a year. Cows kill an average of 22 people a year. When is Cow Week

   If your profile mainly consists of photos featuring you and your 60 year old friends at bars and restaurants, you've failed miserably.

   If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!............... We can look for it together.

   Guess what I did..I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your Facebook activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You are all crazy.

   I’m planning to adopt a dog soon..., it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

   Yep the relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   Dr says to her 80 year old hard of hearing female patient You look very weak & exhausted are you having 3 meals 3 times a day as advised? 80 year old Female replies I thought you said 3 males.

   Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

   Her: I want you to wreck my guts Me: *undercooks her chicken*

   Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

   Lotto Max is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

   The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.