Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1079 of 6446

My morning pooh would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of on my way to work
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11-18-2016 16:39
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One of the crappiest jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..
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11-18-2016 16:37
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Each mile you run adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 80 you can spend an extra 6 months in a nursing home at $10,000 per month.
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11-18-2016 16:35
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I'm almost positive that just before I get to Wallys some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping
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11-18-2016 16:32
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If ignorance is bliss then there's a crap load of people in paradise....
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11-18-2016 15:33
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New study finds that everyone you disagree with is are stupid.

I wish there were no women football announcers. Isn't there a badminton channel they can get a gig with?

My Bank called because they noticed "Highly Suspicious Activity" on my debit card. It was for a Gym Membership.
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11-18-2016 07:01
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Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh
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11-17-2016 22:08 by snotty
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If at first you don't succeed, parachuting isn't for you
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11-17-2016 21:38
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Imagine someone trying to assassinate Trump and the secret service having to yell ,Donald Duck
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11-17-2016 21:32
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Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving?

Due to political correctness, "rapists" will now be called "unapproved lovers."
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11-17-2016 17:56
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How can you say you like Maroon-5 ??.... Did you even try Maroons' 1 through 4 ??
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11-17-2016 17:31 by snotty
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They've never overturned the initial electoral vote. It's never been changed. Never. Like Michael Moore's underwear.
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11-17-2016 16:40 by Fazzella
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Went to Starbucks this morning ordered coffee and told them my name was Trump. When my coffee was ready they started yelling my name. 4 out 5 people in the store started crying. It was hilarious....!!!
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11-17-2016 14:37
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12 years of school, 4 years of college; so now I can type "c you @ 2" #reallife

#marriage Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

Congratulations to Marijuana for winning more states than Hillary .

The election in a nutshell: We let the p*ssies play pin the tail on the donkey for a while, then shut the party down.
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11-17-2016 10:04 by Fazzella
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