Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad said to my mom, "I'm done with you, I'm going to date this pillow. I'm naming it Sophia!" My mom says, "You could do better." My dad says, "Stop it you don't even know her!" My mom goes, "I was talking to Sophia."

   To the folks who are "scared" about having a strange new President on January 20th, Relax -There's a reason Obama was called the 44th President, Because the one after will be the 45th! This is nothing new for Pete' Sake!

   Why would Americans burn the flag when they could burn calories?

   TAMPAX has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel ....... This is for the Christmas period only!

   I've decided not to say "Happy Holidays" this Christmas Season .... I am going to go totally rogue and badass and say .... "Merry Christmas" ... instead!! .... Hope I don't ruin anybody's Christmas.

   Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year.

   Guy's if you want to do your own thing in the upcoming new year, get your wife/girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue for christmas.

   Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili's at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I've decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili's.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's really pissed that I beat him to it. Heck, I'm not stupid .... I put mine up three years ago!

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking the horn.

   My dad used to always tell me that ..... "A little work never hurt anybody!" ... I really took his advice seriously. So I try to do as little work as possible.

   When I'm waiting for the bus I hat it when someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" ...... Hey dummy .... If the bus came, would I still be standing here???

   I hate when people say that ... "life is short" ..... . What the heck??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! ..... What can you do that's longer?

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It ...... Well Played, Waldo ... . Well Played.

   So .... accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who screamed he was NOT happy. I yelled back: "Well then, which one are you?"

   I wonder how Spys know when they're out of Invisible Ink?

   “I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary. They all hang together; half of them don't work, and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

   I was driving to fast and to furious this morning and had to swerve to miss a tree, only to realize that is was an air-freshner hanging from the rear view mirror