Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   My elderly neighbor tried to buy something online yesterday. ... anyone know how to get a credit card out of a disc drive ?

   A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.

   Just canceled my plans for a mini-vacation to Charlotte to do some shopping.

   It's not called "Looting" .... Under this administration's politically correct policies .... it's called "Undocumented Shopping"

   I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

   FYI....If you are one of those who like the strong silent type....then you're gonna just love my farts!!

   My father taught me that Respect was something that had to be earned ..... So I'm still trying to figure out how looting and burning other peoples stuff is supposed to build respect for your cause.

   A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....

   ... Rule #1: The Police Officer is ALWAYS Right. ..... Rule #2: If the Police Officer is ever Wrong, refer to Rule #1

   Chris Hansen walks out at the end of Willy Wonka and starts asking questions about luring children with candy.

   Facebook suggested I join a Skeeball league. That's something where it'd be sad if you were already good. "Yep, I hang out in mall arcades a lot."

   The flight attendant said put on my mask first before helping others. No problem. The guy next to me is shoeless so I want him dead.

   North Korea only has 28 websites. Even worse, the list includes MySpace & 27 Kim Jong-un fan pages.

   To the Mayor of North Carolina: Corey Feldman could clear the streets with one song.

   Sometimes I worry my wife will exclaim "let's go vegan!" and I'll have to sneak out in the middle of the night and take the kids with me.

   My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed “You’re psychic” to “You’re psycho.”

   Angelina Jolie has had her breasts removed, her ovaries removed, her Fallopian tubes removed....and a large Pitt.

   Who decided that the phrase should be “I’m getting dressed” instead of the more masculine “I’m getting trousered”?

   Did you know 4.8 billion people own mobile phones whereas only 4.2 billion own a toothbrush.