Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My morning pooh would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of on my way to work

   One of the crappiest jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..

   Each mile you run adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 80 you can spend an extra 6 months in a nursing home at $10,000 per month.

   I'm almost positive that just before I get to Wallys some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   If ignorance is bliss then there's a crap load of people in paradise....

   New study finds that everyone you disagree with is are stupid.

   I wish there were no women football announcers. Isn't there a badminton channel they can get a gig with?

   My Bank called because they noticed "Highly Suspicious Activity" on my debit card. It was for a Gym Membership.

   Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh

   If at first you don't succeed, parachuting isn't for you

   Imagine someone trying to assassinate Trump and the secret service having to yell ,Donald Duck

   Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving?

   Due to political correctness, "rapists" will now be called "unapproved lovers."

   How can you say you like Maroon-5 ??.... Did you even try Maroons' 1 through 4 ??

   They've never overturned the initial electoral vote. It's never been changed. Never. Like Michael Moore's underwear.

   Went to Starbucks this morning ordered coffee and told them my name was Trump. When my coffee was ready they started yelling my name. 4 out 5 people in the store started crying. It was hilarious....!!!

   12 years of school, 4 years of college; so now I can type "c you @ 2" #reallife

   #marriage Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

   Congratulations to Marijuana for winning more states than Hillary .

   The election in a nutshell: We let the p*ssies play pin the tail on the donkey for a while, then shut the party down.