Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

   Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.

   later is the best time to do anything

   How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can’t find them?

   Leaving the house with 50% battery on your phone is almost as bad as leaving without your wallet.

   If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

   It's officially the holiday season, bah hum bug. . .

   My wife and girlfriend met, they don't need me anymore ;)

   All this spending on Black Friday! Y'all better pay that electric bill first, or next Friday will be Black Friday too

   Happy Trumpsgiving.....

   You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !

   If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   Black Friday used to only be Robinson Crusoe's pal!

   Theres a really good chance I'm gonna touch some breast today.

   Watching the Macy's Thanskgiving Day Parade. It's not a parade, it's a 3 hour ad for Broadway plays. Where's the Bullwinkle float!???

   it normal to delete Facebook friends on their birthdays

   When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.

   if you burn the turkey, just tell the family they're eating blackbird

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already