Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you need magic to happen all you have to do is say "Abra cadabra" and realize you're an idiot for thinking you could make magic happen.

   One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

   The Brad and Angelina situation is hard to take. For starters -- it ruins my hopes of one day being adopted by them.

   The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because it’s basically the same ingredients as pizza.

   “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”

   If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.

   Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

   Last month Ferrari introduced a new super sports car with a price tag of $2.2 million. They already sold out all 200 that were available. Darn! I shouldn't have taken so long trying to decide what color I wanted.

   Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.

   Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

   People need to understand the difference between want & need. Like I want to have hot body but I need chicken nuggets.

   What if Ghosts try to kill you only because they want you as a friend? You ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy

   Brushing your teeth is the only time you get to clean your skeleton.

   I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds without meaning.

   We can drink a drink, but we can’t food a food.

   Wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would just be proud of me.

   What if our dreams are just us seeing what the other versions of ourselves in alternate universes are doing?

   The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

   A skinny friend told me she's never hungry and just 'forgets to eat', so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?