Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

   There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll. Speed, Weed, birth control. Peace, Pot, Tequila shot. Jesus loves us stoned or not.

   I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one."

   I wish computer commands worked in real life. You make a mistake with your girlfriend = Ctrl+z. Your girlfriend dumps you = Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Your girlfriend starts seeing your best friend = sledge hammer to screen.

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

   I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial... Like a boss.

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   I can't stop drinking about you.

   I just saw a dude put sunscreen on his back by squirting it on a wall and backing into it.

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.