Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?

   Last night I went to a "Testicular Cancer" survivor party. Everyone had a ball.

   All I want for Christmas is an air hockey table. It will go great with my air guitar.

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.

   An Asian in charge of Transportation? That's like putting a fox in charge of a hen house.

   no need to scroll further, as it only get worse from here...

   "Water is Life"? Don't you remember the time it tried to drown you?

   Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

   Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

   There is no security measure as ineffective as an apartment complex gate system.

   Your mamma hole is so hairy , it was a guest on Duck Dynasty

   *rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......

   The fact thst humanity has to clarify that any lives matter should be concern enough.

   I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.

   Dear Santa: Please refer to my Pinterest board.

   Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.

   After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have s-e-x, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."