Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out

   I'm old enough to remember using the ash tray in cars for cigarette butts ..

   Of course Trump hasn't doesn't pay taxes... He knows ALL the good loopholes,, Like, "Mail order brides are tax deductible"

   Trump suggests soldiers suffering from PTSD aren't mentally strong.. But EVERYONE knows the true sign of mental strength, is faking bone spurs to avoid serving in Vietnam.

   I just apologized to a bug for killing it and I instantly became a Canadian citizen.

   Frankly Auto-correct, I am getting tired of your shirt!

   That moment when you want to hit on the bank teller but realize she'll see your bank account balance

   Do I have to hear about these Clowns for 28 more days? O me bad make that 35 more days my math is not so good anymore.

   If your in the grocery store with your new iphone 7 and pay with food stamps don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   These robbers did not need guns, they could have threatened Kim K to put her clothes back on and she would have still fully cooperated.

   Heard those ruthless and heartless thieves forced Kim K to put her clothes on first before robbing her.

   Trump loses almost $1 Billion in the 90's and follows the relevant Tax Laws ..... The Nation is Outraged!! .... Hillary can't account for $6 Billion in missing State Department funds during her Tenure as Secretary of State ..... Meh

   It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   Glad Kim K is ok, heard the whole thing was a mix up, the robbers car broke down and they thought she could hook them up with a Tranny

   50% of Trump supporters are Deplorable, BUT 50% of Hillary supporters are DEPORTABLE !

   I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing....

   Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you....

   Too old for snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

   I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be