Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how Spys know when they're out of Invisible Ink?

   “I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary. They all hang together; half of them don't work, and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

   I was driving to fast and to furious this morning and had to swerve to miss a tree, only to realize that is was an air-freshner hanging from the rear view mirror

   When terrorist parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique to feed their babies, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of PARALLEL lines, who were never meant to meet. Of TANGENT lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of ASYMPTOTIC lines, who could only get closer and closer, but could never be together.

   I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?

   The guy who created the Big Mac has passed away at the age of 98. Michael Delligatti ate at least one Big Mac every week for decades yet lived to be 98. I have one thing to say about this..."KALE, YOU BIG FAT LIAR!!!"

   But if you can't see your Christmas decorations from space, do you really love Jesus?

   Any bank can be a sperm bank if you're left alone in the safety deposit box room.

   R.I.P. creator of the Big Mac, the most prolific serial killer of all time.

   Years ago, some heckler at a gig I wasm yelled, "Hey, man. If I slept with your wife while you were out at a gig and she got pregnant, would that make us related?" I go, "I don't know, but it'd sure make us even!"

   Open the fridge and there's only one beer left. "Me thinking............who's been drinking my beer's! " Oh never mind......that would be me....dang it!

   I never cared to look for Waldo. . .

   I'm so broke that This Christmas I am going to wrap up some batteries with a note saying "Toys not included".

   FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio

   Just saw a guy getting mugged. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   The only reason God gave women legs, is so they don't leave snail trails. . .

   Whenever I hear an Italian say that they love Olive Garden, to me that translates to, "My mama was a lousy cook."

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn't let you skip.