Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's really pissed that I beat him to it. Heck, I'm not stupid .... I put mine up three years ago!

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking the horn.

   My dad used to always tell me that ..... "A little work never hurt anybody!" ... I really took his advice seriously. So I try to do as little work as possible.

   When I'm waiting for the bus I hat it when someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" ...... Hey dummy .... If the bus came, would I still be standing here???

   I hate when people say that ... "life is short" ..... . What the heck??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! ..... What can you do that's longer?

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It ...... Well Played, Waldo ... . Well Played.

   So .... accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who screamed he was NOT happy. I yelled back: "Well then, which one are you?"

   I wonder how Spys know when they're out of Invisible Ink?

   “I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary. They all hang together; half of them don't work, and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

   I was driving to fast and to furious this morning and had to swerve to miss a tree, only to realize that is was an air-freshner hanging from the rear view mirror

   When terrorist parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique to feed their babies, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of PARALLEL lines, who were never meant to meet. Of TANGENT lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of ASYMPTOTIC lines, who could only get closer and closer, but could never be together.

   I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?

   The guy who created the Big Mac has passed away at the age of 98. Michael Delligatti ate at least one Big Mac every week for decades yet lived to be 98. I have one thing to say about this..."KALE, YOU BIG FAT LIAR!!!"

   But if you can't see your Christmas decorations from space, do you really love Jesus?

   Any bank can be a sperm bank if you're left alone in the safety deposit box room.

   R.I.P. creator of the Big Mac, the most prolific serial killer of all time.

   Years ago, some heckler at a gig I wasm yelled, "Hey, man. If I slept with your wife while you were out at a gig and she got pregnant, would that make us related?" I go, "I don't know, but it'd sure make us even!"