Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?

   I wish I had sex as often as I get screwed.

   The difference between a good night and a great night is waking up nude.

   I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 10 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

   For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.

   This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.

   And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.