Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 2 GUYS THAT STOLE A CALENDER ? THEY BOTH GOT 6 MONTHS!!!

   I don't care about self driving cars. . . What I really want is a self FLYING car.

   So like, you know that tag on a mattress that says "Not to be removed under penalty of law?" Well guess what I just did? I don't care man, I'm a rebel. They can come and get me.

   For the next Season of Survivor.... call my gun range shooting wife fat!

   Putin controlling Trump is mildly entertaining but the Muppets are still my favorite puppet show!

   Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . .

   It's so hard to know if we should be taking Trump's tweets seriously when we don't know if they're coming from a locker room or not.

   Nothing says IDGAF more than an old woman playing the slots in the casino while wearing an oxygen tube and smoking a cigarette

   Why don't keyboards have a ".com" key on them now? Come on nerds!

   My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons

   "You're not fat darling, it’s just that you’re… very easy to see."

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved.

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....

   Dance like your hot cousin is watching.

   Verizon guy: Your new phone is water resistant. Me: Oh, good. Cuz I cry a lot.

   US auto workers demand to be replaced by American robots, not those damn Mexican el robots.

   Internal discussion at Toyota today about which Trump golf tournament they should sponsor this spring.

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   Ever seen a human pyramid? Someone needs to explain to government and CEO's this concept. And about who falls farthest if any level fails...

   I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.