Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.

   I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. It was about the journey." -Buddhist GPS

   What if all those coins you keep finding on your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.

   I'm trying to get a grip on reality and when I do, I'm going to choke the living snot out of it.

   The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

   Frankly auto correct... i'm getting really tired of your shirt

   You know you're ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg.

   Heres how to make me cry: take a picture of two old people and write 'best friends' on it.

   I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.

   some babies are born premature but I was born very mature I just came out and I was like so what

   During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.

   “It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.

   Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward