Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone has that one friend who goes on and on about how good roasted pumpkin seeds are. You know, the liar friend.

   Just when I thought 2016 couldn't get any worse, I realize my Kohl's cash has expired.

   My household now communicates exclusively through slammed doors and the clattering of cutlery thrown angrily into drawers.

   Scary Halloween costume idea: nobody having more respect for women than Donald Trump.

   If you're curious about how cool I was in high school just know that I can do several tricks with a yo-yo.

   I saw the pictures you posted of your baby at the pumpkin patch and I felt nothing.

   Our family rule is that if the kid's costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

   Hipster haunted house but it's just a Trader Joe's filled with Walmart brand products.

   Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.

   After five minutes of talking to you I can already tell that all these books on your shelves are just for decoration.

   Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

   October 27th, almost time for me to tell my kids' about the weird week long chocolate allergy they are about to get.

   You can just root for them. You don't have to try and explain how you're a legit Cubs fan because your great uncle went to Wrigley once.

   Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator.

   Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the Halloween fun-size candy wrappers in your trash can.

   Why is my kid in the living room doing cartwheels when I put her to bed an hour ago?

   I'm sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your birthday.

   @ a funeral . ME: What's the WiFi password PRIEST: Respect the dead ME: Is that all small letters?

   If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.

   A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.