Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie.

   The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait that's what we do ever weekend.

   Yeah, you're right dude. I totally can't tell you're fat anymore when you wear a t-shirt in the pool..

   I bet if you go to a restaurant with the Man VS Food guy he'll call you a p*ssy no matter what you order.

   Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

   I want to live in a house with secret passageways and one of those revolving walls that you have to pull out a book to open.

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called "not getting your ass beat."

   Being a successful Hollywood movie star who is overweight and unattractive is a double-edged sword. Your agent must feel pretty awkward telling you about new parts. They need a guy who is fat ugly and no one wants to date. I said you'd be perfect!

   I performed at a charity event last night for women with no legs and I gotta tell ya fellas, that place was just crawling with ass…. Literally!

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.

   Growing up I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mom let me ride in the trunk.

   God made us all different. But when He got to China He thought...to hell with it... Copy, paste, copy, paste

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for $35 million. That has to be an Antiques Roadshow record!

   If the replies you get from text messages consist of only one word, take the hint.

   If you're only interested in me when I'm ignoring you, I'm about to become irresistible.

   Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

   Gotta love Facebook... I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6.

   She wanted us to stop fighting and try to speak the same language... I said Mooooo

   You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.